The Poetry of Wayne Edwards
WE
I think that young kids will see the humor in “Spot Dog.” The whole story is clearly ridiculous, including the making of a spot out of Spot Dog.
Did you ever dream of having an elephant for a pet when you were a kid? A lot of children’s poems are about ridiculous situations. Everybody writes about dinosaurs, I happen to like elephants. They are hard to hide from your parents and are probably hard to housebreak.
The Poetry of Wayne Edwards
WE
Nothing teaches a child responsibility quicker than owning a pet. Of course if Mom and Dad do all of the feeding and cleaning up, the opportunity for learning is lost.
Someone once defined “puddle jumper” as a person that has a new puppy in the house.
The little boy in Puppy For Christmas has quickly learned one drawback for owning a puppy but he’s still happy because the rewards greatly outnumber the burden.
Puppy for Christmas
I got a puppy for Christmas.
And I’m as happy as can be.
But it seems like my puppy thinks
That for a present she got me?
Mommy calls my puppy Piddles.
But Daddy calls my puppy Spot,
And it’s not because of color
It’s what my puppy does a lot.
I also got a baseball glove
And a game called Robotic Cop.
But don’t ever get a puppy
Unless you also get a mop!
WE
My wife, Ruth, has a friend, Grace, whose family has a unique tradition involving the manger scene. Twelve days before Christmas, Mary and Joseph are placed in a room far from the Christmas tree and every day someone gets to move them a little closer to the tree. On Christmas morning they arrive at the tree and baby Jesus is placed in the manger. You have to watch your step at their house during the holidays! My daughter in law, Erin, leaves the crib empty in her manger scene until Christmas morning.
Their traditions gave me the idea for Christmas Make-Believe. The mother in the poem had fond memories of being allowed to play with her family’s manger scene at Christmas time. She was embarrassed to be caught by her kids, while reminiscing.
If you have such a valuable manger scene under your tree that it requires a no-touch-policy, maybe you should get one of less value that the kids can handle. My sister, Jo Anne, still has the old worn Santa doll under her tree each Christmas, that she and I loved until it was ragged.
Christmas Make-Believe
I remember when the manger scene
Was real as it could be.
I’d gaze at it for hours
Beneath our Christmas tree.
I would babysit for Mary
So that she could get some rest,
And place the wise men and the shepherds
Where they could see the best.
I fed all of the animals,
The donkeys, cows and sheep,
And shushed the grownups in the room
While Baby Jesus was asleep.
I miss those games of make-believe
I played so long ago
There beneath our Christmas tree
Among the hills of cotton snow.
And then I heard them giggle,
They were gathered at the door.
“Mother! Why on God’s green Earth
Are you lying on the floor?”
WE
Christmas Prayer
Bobby was saying his prayers real loud,
Things that he wanted St. Nick to bring.
I said, “You don’t have to shout so loud
Because Jesus can hear everything.”
I know that Jesus can hear me pray
And so can Santa and all his deer.
I’m praying real loud for what I want
Just to make sure that Grandma can hear.
WE
The Demons
“What do you think of the Demons?”
A little boy asked the new priest.”
The attention of all those there
Had very suddenly increased.
The new priest, wanting very much
To calm down the little boy’s fear.
Said, “I know you’ve heard lots of tales
But don’t believe all that you hear.”
“The Demons are not all that tough,
And they are easy to defeat;
One thing that we must remember,
Against real strength, they can’t compete.”
“So why the interest in Demons?
Quite a strange topic, it would seem.”
The small boy said with tearful eyes,
“It’s the name of our football team!”
WE
Christmas Letter
Farming certainly has been tough; the drought was all the talk.
The water in our ponds dried up, the fish have learned to walk.
The lake turned over in July (that’s when the fish all drowned).
We knew when it turned over, ‘cause the boats were upside down.
The hens have all stopped laying and both the cows went dry.
We made a little hay ’cause the grass burrs didn’t die.
We spent the whole of August wishing for some rain.
That’s when we learned to eat our rice with Gravy Train.
When things were looking down and life was getting crummy,
I got a real good job as a part time crash test dummy.
May Beth is working too, she’s a sanitation engineer.
Last week she made driver, high point of her career.
She now brings home the bacon, bread and ‘taters too.
With first pick at the dumpsters, ahead of the can dump crew.
We hope that you don’t envy the way that we’ve been blessed,
We must be making money; we’re being I.R.S.ed!
Bert is doing great, he’s giving law a try.
He’s getting lots of calls from the sheriff and FBI.
Bert’s wife Gert’s in advertisement, she has really gotten good.
Her name’s in every men’s room, ‘tween here and Hollywood.
She’s got a snappy trademark, she’s really on the ball.
Her name’s become synonymous with, “For a Good Time Call…..”
In ten years you can meet the man our Sadie dates.
He’s into auto parts; he’s making license plates.
We got our Jeb a puzzle; we’re going to get him more.
He did it in a year; the box said two to four.
Our grandson graduated at top his fifth grade class.
He’s eighteen and they promised a new car just to pass.
I guess they swim in football, where Egbert goes to school.
We learned from his best friend that he runs the football pool.
His 4-H project made the papers, the first one in his class.
They made a lot of fuss about how he grows grass.
I guess it’s clear by now just how much we’ve been blessed,
The good that’s come into our lives just can’t be over stressed.
I’ll close with just one wish; that God would use his powers
To make your coming year as good as he’s made ours.
P.S. I’m in the witness protection program, so I can’t sign this letter.
Just wanted you to know, things couldn’t get no better!
WE
Noah and the Ark is such a good Bible story. Why the Unicorns Missed the Boat was also about the Ark, but The Boat is written from a different perspective.
One of Ruth’s friends e-mailed a story to her that suggests the troubles Noah might have had if he had built the Ark in today’s world, with all of our inspectors and codes. Many scholars think that it took Noah one hundred years to build the Ark.
In Genesis chapter five, it says that Noah was five hundred years old when God told him to build the Ark. Then we read in Genesis chapter seven that he was six hundred years, one month and seventeen days old when it started to rain. It would probably take that long today just to complete the red tape and he’d never get a permit to capture all of those animals!
We hear lots of stories about men building things in their garage and then having to tear out a wall to get the item out. Wonder if Noah tried to build his boat in the garage. In the last verse, I explained why there are no unicorns today.
One side note: Ruth pointed out that quarter doesn’t rhyme with water. Though she was born in Texas, her roots are in Seattle and she was raised in Japan. She speaks Japanese but her Texan is not fluent. Besides, Noah didn’t have a daughter, so ‘quarter’ will have to do.
The Boat
“They’ve changed my laws to fit their needs
And changed the way my Bible reads.
I made the female and the male
But now the difference tends to pale.
Why do they change the things I made?
How can they call it beauty aid?
Their bodies pierced, to stick things through
And have you seen what they tattoo?
With children born of demon fathers,
A god must wonder why he bothers.
So they’ve ignored my holy plan
And I repent that I made man.
If not for you, I’d give no quarter.
I’d cleanse this ball with soap and water.”
But Noah said, “I love this place,
Just one more chance for the human race?”
God saw his love and he took note.
“Alright Noah, then build a boat.”
In dust, with stick, God drew his plan,
To show how he would wipe out man.
When Noah saw just what God wrote,
He said, “But God, just what’s a boat?”
Far from sea and far from lake,
A boat’s not something he would make.
So God drew plans in great detail
And said, “With these, you cannot fail.
Four hundred fifty feet in length
And it must have, tremendous strength.”
“Four hundred fifty feet you say?
Well God, you certainly ruined my day!
It’s longer than a football field!
That’s not something I can build.”
And then he said, with abject moaning,
“I know these plans will violate zoning.
You know we’ll have to build to code,
What kind of wood will bear the load?”
God said, “If you’ll just read the specs,
It’s gopher wood for all three decks.”
“But that’s endangered, don’t you know?
It takes a hundred years to grow.
Not even God can get his way.
We’re up against the EPA.
Red tape alone will take a century.
We break one law, its penitentiary.
And one mistake, you’ll throw a fit.
Why don’t we build it from a kit?
Better yet, just blink an eye,
Six days weren’t bad for earth and sky.”
God said, “To live, you’ll prove your worth
And build this ark to save the earth.”
“Sure God, that’s all I have to do,
Just build an ark and catch a zoo!”
“I’ll give you time to get the stuff.
One hundred years should be enough.”
But Noah, bargaining for each phase,
Got one more month and seventeen days.
The red tape came in such barrage,
He finally named the ark Mirage,
Because the boat you think you see,
Is money piled for the license fee.
It must hold two of every creature,
So size, of course, was its main feature.
But there was not a wall to spare,
With all the permits hanging there.
The final one to have his say,
The lawyer from the SPCA.
“The only way this boat can pass,
Put all the animals in first class.”
Then Noah’s wife said, “Look! The sky!
I think that God has started to cry.
As soon as Ham loads the Billy goat.
I think we’d best all get in the boat!”
One couple couldn’t join the rest
And were removed from the manifest
No permit to export their horns
The Feds impounded the unicorns
WE
Bumper Sticker
I am usually not the type
To put a sticker on my car.
But I saw one at the bookstore;
It was the best I’d seen so far.
So I went out and I stuck it,
On my car bumper in the rear.
Then I stood back and admired it.
Its message almost brought a tear.
“Y’ALL HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS”,
Is what the bumper sticker said.
And as I drove along the words
All kept on running through my head.
The joy of my experience,
After putting on that sticker,
There was no way I could have asked
For responses any quicker.
I had to stop at a red light,
At a busy intersection;
I was lost in thoughts of Jesus
And was deep in introspection.
So I didn’t really notice
When the red light had turned to green,
But folks behind me showed their care
Much more than I had ever seen.
The bumper sticker really worked,
So many of them showed their love.
They honked their horns in unison,
In honor of the one above.
One fellow rolled his window down
And banged his fist upon his hood.
He started yelling, “Jesus Christ,”
Shouting as loudly as he could
“Go, Jesus Christ, go!” he chanted,
It sounded like a football game.
Others leaned out of their windows
And all began to shout his name.
It just made me feel so happy,
To see all of their loving care.
They began to get acquainted
And then they all began to share.
One guy opened up his car door.
He was really one big sucker!
It seemed he wanted me to know
That his mother was a trucker.
I could hear another yelling,
Above all the honks and screeches.
He must have been from Florida
‘Cause he spoke of sunny beaches.
And then he waved a hand at me
With so much tender love and care.
I could tell he was excited;
One of his fingers in the air.
Now both my boys, who had seen it,
Began to giggle and to shove.
They told me it was Apache
And was their sign for peace and love.
My heart just overflowed with joy,
I thought the sign was such a gem.
I leaned out of my car window
So I could give it back to them.
Then they all jumped out of their cars
And all began to run my way.
I guess that they all loved Jesus
And were gathering round to pray.
But just then the light turned yellow
I had to hurry up and go.
I was the only one to make it
All of the others were too slow.
But those new friends of mine in Christ
Had all certainly made my day,
So I gave them all the love sign,
And then I quickly drove away.
WE
This poem was written in September of 2006 for a fund raiser party for Mike Sutherland, who was running as the incumbent for county judge. Most of the information used to write the poem was furnished by his wife, Debbie. Of course, I took some poetic license with the stories in order to make them rhyme. (You will have to ask Mike about the Highway 60 reference.)
The Man From Farr
Not your typical
Rising star;
Like the Wise Men,
He came from Farr.
His name is Mike,
Which isn’t strange
‘Cause mikes are one
Of his favorite things.
Though he set himself
A lofty goal,
On his first job
Mike went in the hole.
Mike’s jobs weren’t always
Judiciary;
At first he dug graves
In a cemetery.
One story about Mike,
While he was in school,
Has to be told
‘Cause it’s just too cool.
He wore makeup,
But Mike wasn’t gay,
He just had a part
In the high school play.
Now actors wear makeup
Because of the light;
And Mike in his makeup
Was quite a gay sight.
So Mike, to bolster
His tough guy image,
Went from practice
To football scrimmage.
Mike, in the huddle,
Was easy to pick.
He was the one
Wearing red lipstick.
A football scholarship,
But Mike didn’t go.
Was it the lipstick?
We’ll never know…
The Marines were looking
For a few good men,
So Mike joined the Navy!
That lipstick again?
Mike met lovely Debbie
One New Year’s Eve.
It was a blind date,
They’d have you believe.
As to which one was blind,
To me it looks like
It must have been Debbie
‘Cause it sure wasn’t Mike.
At his high school reunion,
With old age a-looming,
Mike won the prize
For being late-blooming.
How late Mike blooms
Is no sure bet…
But we have to wonder,
Has Mike bloomed yet?
We know that his job
Is no walk in the park.
Will he get 60 widened
Before our world goes dark?
And when he retires,
And drives off in his car,
Will everyone wonder,
Did Mike go to Farr?
WE
When I was a boy, back in the previous century (doesn’t that sound ancient?), a double-dog-dare was not to be ignored. Risk of life or limb was to be expected. I don’t know what has taken it’s place, in the world of young boys today, but I would imagine that it is much more sophisticated than it was during my pre-TV boyhood.
In Double-Dog-Dare, our hero would face life-threatening danger to fulfill a dare, but no way was he going to kiss a girl. That too may have changed since my day.
Parents must make sure that their young children understand that dares made by peers don’t take precedent over the sound moral teaching that they have received at home.
WE
Double-Dog Dare
by Wayne Edwards
The guys are all laughing,
But see if I care.
I’ve never turned down
A double-dog-dare.
I’ve jumped off the barn roof
Into a haystack.
I’ve run over hot coals,
And rode on a calf’s back.
I once held my breath
Until I turned blue;
But there’s no way I’m going
To kiss Sally Mae Lou!
WE
“Hippo” was a very real woman in a church we once attended. She had two boys and a girl who were soundly thrashed at least once during each service. Ruth’s mother was teaching a Bible study one Wednesday night when one such thrashing took place. She stopped in the middle of a sentence to say, “I’m glad that you’re not my mother”.
Shortly after that, during our Sunday school class, “Hippo” asked for suggestions on how to control her temper when disciplining her children. I told her that with our four children, I never gave more then three swats and they stood for “I love you”. I told her that she should repeat those three words to herself when she found it necessary to use physical punishment.
When we discussed the same topic the next Sunday, she admitted that she had tried but that it came out, “I love you very, very, very, very, very (and on and on) much.”
Of course, modern experts tell us that we were all wrong when we swatted our children. My swats were not given to administer pain, but to add emphasis to my verbal correction. Such punishment should never be administered in church or in anger.
By the way our four children all turned out great; we have Ruth, an electrical engineer/computer whiz, Ronald, a professional computer graphics artist/talented singer, Jonathan, a medical doctor/pianist and Timothy, a computer scientist/pianist, and the three who have children are great parents as well. My ‘I love you’ swats must not have warped them too badly.
Prayer Request might not be exactly how it happened (I claim poet’s license) but it does make it a humorous story.
Prayer Request
We church kids all called her “Hippo,”
Because we thought she weighed a ton.
She always sat on the front row
With her bratty unruly son.
He liked to line the hymnals up
And loudly make the sound of trains,
Or take the offering envelopes
And fold them all into airplanes.
When he made Hippo mad enough,
Her neck would always turn bright red.
She’d reach across the mess he’d made
And thump him up side of his head.
One night while in a revival,
He almost brought the whole church down.
With songbook for a hammer,
The brat had just begun to pound.
She jerked him up by his left arm
And then she held him dangling there.
We thought that he’d come unjointed
But Hippo didn’t seem to care.
She threw him over her shoulder
And started for the church front door.
We knew next we’d hear the beating,
At least a dozen licks or more.
Well, the preacher stopped his preaching.
And the church grew deathly quiet.
Then the little boy did something
That caused a giggling riot.
With eyes round as two big saucers,
And as frightened as he could be.
He yelled over Hippo’s shoulder,
“You all had better pray for me?”
WE
Student Driver
My nerves are all shot,
My hair’s turning white.
My hands are a mess,
No nails left to bite.
My whole life just passed
In front of my eyes.
My throat is raspy
From terrified cries.
I’m going to die,
No way to survive.
I just started teaching
My teen how to drive!
WE
Age Of Accountability asks a question that is very human, not only regarding religion but in our everyday life. Just how far can we push the envelope? I remember wondering, as a very small child, if something that I had done was bad enough to keep me out of the Rapture. Since these are very real concerns of our children, it is important for us to address the issues with them.
We must never use religion as a boogieman to coerce our children into doing something. I once heard a mother say, “It’s a wonder that God didn’t strike you dead!” That kind of teaching really installs a love of God in a child’s heart.
I hope that Tommy got a good answer from his pastor. It’s just such questions from children that test a preacher’s skill.
Age of Accountability
The preacher preached a sermon,
He described the fires of hell.
It frightened little Tommy
And he didn’t feel so well.
He asked Pastor, after church,
“God knows that I’ve turned seven.
Just how bad can I be now
And still get into Heaven?”
WE
Letter from Camp
Dear Folks,
Our camp master said that we all should write,
Because of the flash flood we had here last night.
It wasn’t as bad as you saw on TV.
(That red tent was mine that was caught in the tree.)
No one was in camp; we were on a night hike;
On the side of the mountain, we were looking for Mike.
If you talk to Mike’s mother, he’s writing a letter.
The cast slows him down but he’s fast getting better.
The storm was real fun, just a little bit frightening
But it helped us find Mike because of the lightning.
The men with the bloodhounds showed us the trail;
They were hunting a bad guy who broke out of jail.
Fire-building, to me, has been the most fun;
If your clothes catch on fire, you must never run.
When starting a fire put your gas in a cup;
If you pour from the can, the thing will blow up.
These lessons we learned from my friend Harry Pile,
Who’s no longer hairy, at least for a while.
The bullets he had in two of his pockets,
Really were cool, they shot off like rockets.
Our craft teacher’s worked in two different states,
He said he made shoes and car license plates.
He’s teaching us things to help us through life.
Like making a spoon into a neat knife.
I caught me a snake, it’s black, red and yellow.
He stays in my pocket like a good little fellow.
The camp master said it’s important to know,
In what kind of order the three colors go.
The old swimming hole smells some better now,
The tow truck man came and took out the cow.
For us that can’t swim, there’s not much to do,
So the camp master lets us take out the canoe.
We use that canoe to hide food from the bears;
Craft teacher used tape to fix all the tears.
We may get home late ’cause the brakes are so bad.
And the man who’s to drive us has really been mad.
Just last night he told us he might just refuse,
Unless someone tells what we did with his booze.
P.S. One last question, I almost forgot,
How long since I had my last tetanus shot?
WE