16Poetry of Wayne Edwards 5

The Poetry of Wayne Edwards
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The Etiquette of Waving
 When first you visit Texas,  Y’best learn how Texans wave  Or you could be mistaken  For a simple Yankee knave.
When you meet a relative,  As they first come into sight,  Quickly roll your window down  And wave with all your might.
For a neighbor or a friend,  A four finger wave’s the way.  Lift them from the steering wheel  As you mouth the words, “Good Day.”
When you’ve seen the guy before,  But it’s not been for a while,  A three finger wave’s just right  If you give a nod and smile.
But for a total stranger,  When first you catch his sight,  Raise two fingers from the wheel  Just to show him you’re polite.
To those who’ve done you evil,  Caused bad feelings that still linger,  To those you give a wave  With just a single finger.
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A Cajun Goes to Hell
by Wayne Edwards

A Cajun died and went to Hell, And caused the Devil much concern. He’d been there for a month or two But hadn’t yet begun to burn.
The Devil’s job, as we all know, Is making sinners pay their debt. But the Cajun mystified him, He hadn’t even raised a sweat.
He sat there singing bayou songs He said Hell was kind of pretty. He said it wasn’t very hot, Compared to May in Morgan City.
The Devil turned the heat way up And went to see his Cajun guest. He seemed to be quite comfortable And didn’t seem the least bit stressed.
“He loves the heat,” the Devil thought, “So I will freeze him to the bone!” He put him in a frozen pit, And left the Cajun there alone.
When Satan next went by the pit, He heard him singing in the hole. “You know what this means,” he shouted. “The Saints just won the Super Bowl!”
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Useless Words
by Wayne Edwards

Sis said, “It’s raining cats and dogs!” I was eating apple strudel. She said before she came inside, She’d almost stepped in a poodle.
She watched me as I penned these lines And told me it should be a crime, For poets to add useless words To try and make their verses rhyme.
My sister’s name is sure a help, Since our mother named her Stella, I use it often when I need A word that rhymes with umbrella.
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When I ask any one of my grandkids how school was on a given day, they always reply, “Fine”. If the school burned down and they flunked math, they would still say, “Fine”. In fact, when our second son, Jon, was in elementary school there was a fire at school one day, and on top of that one of his teachers had been killed in a car accident that very morning. He didn’t think it important enough to mention to us when he got home!
Our youngest son Tim sent me a joke about Joe and his mule. Joe had to explain to the judge why he was suing because he had said he was fine at the scene of the accident.
I tried to use ‘mule’ in I’m Fine but it was harder if not impossible to make it rhyme, so I just went with ‘horse’. Names are easier, you just find one that rhymes with what you want to say.
I’m sure that the farmer was able to convince the jury that you can’t always be held responsible for what you say under pressure and that’s the moral of the story. Words are sometimes impossible to take back.
Wayne Edwards
I’m Fine
by Wayne Edwards

The courthouse was empty of all but a few, Who’d come to see how the farmer would do, The truck company’s lawyer was known for his skill, He’d make you look stupid, then go for the kill.
He started right off with his usual line, “Now when you got hurt, you said you were fine.” But the farmer with speech that was slow, sometimes course, Started telling what happened to Honey, his horse.
But the lawyer jumped in, with anger unmasked, “That’s interesting old fellow, but it’s not what I asked. Now ‘fine’ was the word that you used at the scene. If you were not fine, then what did you mean?”
But the farmer who’s one not accustomed to force, Started telling again how he loved his old horse, How she rode in her trailer, attached to his truck, That runs mostly on prayer and a whole lot of luck.
What else could he do, he owed lots of money, At auction that day, he’d have to sell Honey. The lawyer could see he was losing the jury. His lack of control made him lash out in fury.
“Your rambling is wasting both your time and mine, Just stick to the truth; did you not say, ‘Fine?’” The farmer once more tried to talk about Honey And the things that she did that he thought were funny.
“I OBJECT”, yelled the lawyer, to this story line, “Judge, tell him to answer, did he not say, ‘Fine’?” But the judge was enraptured by the old farmer’s tale. “Overruled” was his answer, to the lawyer’s travail.
Then the farmer continued his long tale of woe. He was driving as fast as his old truck would go. The driver behind him was mad as could be. He passed on a hill, where he couldn’t see.
The farmer said he was forced in the ditch. The trailer with Honey came loose from its hitch. “I was lying there wondering, alive? Maybe not, When I heard a loud noise I was sure was a shot.”
“A patrolman came over and looked down at me. My eyes wouldn’t focus, there might have been three. I was beginning to wonder if I’d ever walk, I wanted to ask him, when he started to talk.”
“He said he was sorry, my horse had to go With legs that are broken, its best don’t you know? With gun in his hand, he knelt down by mine. He asked how I was; I said, ‘I’M JUST FINE!’”
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THE COPY MACHINE
by Wayne Edwards

He was standing by the shredder
A confused look on his face.
He never uses the equipment
And looked entirely out of place.

I took the paper from my boss
And fed it into the machine.
My boss is usually quiet nice
But then at times he’s down right
mean.

You can imagine my concern
That he might be a little mad
When he said, “Just make one copy,
That original’s all I had.”
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Bumper Sticker
by Wayne Edwards

I am usually not the type To put a sticker on my car. But I saw one at the bookstore; It was the best I'd seen so far.  So I went out and I stuck it, On my bumper in the rear. Then I stood back and admired it. And it almost brought a tear.  "HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS", Is what the bumper sticker said. And as I drove along the words Kept on running through my head.  The joy of my experience, After putting on that sticker, There's no way I could've asked For responses any quicker.  I had stopped at a red light, At a busy intersection; I was lost in thoughts of Jesus And was deep in introspection.  So I didn't really notice When the red light turned to green, But folks behind me showed their care Much more than I had ever seen.  The bumper sticker really worked, So many of them showed their love. They honked their horns in unison, In honor of the one above.  One fellow rolled his window down And banged his fist upon his hood. He started yelling, "Jesus Christ," Shouting loudly as he could.  "Go, Jesus Christ, go!" he chanted, It sounded like a football game. Others leaned out of their windows And all began to shout his name.  It just made me feel so happy, To see all their loving care. They began to get acquainted And they all began to share.  One guy opened up his car door. He was really one big sucker! It seemed he wanted me to know That his mother was a trucker.  I could hear another yelling, Above all the honks and screeches. He must have been from Florida 'Cause he spoke of sunny beaches.  And then he waved a hand at me With so much tender love and care. I could tell he was excited; One of his fingers in the air.  Now both my boys, who had seen it, Began to giggle and to shove. They told me it was Apache And was their sign for peace and love.  My heart just overflowed with joy, I thought the sign was such a gem. I leaned out of my window So I could give it back to them.  Then they all jumped from their cars And began to run my way. I guess they all loved Jesus And were gathering round to pray.  But just then the light turned yellow I had to hurry up and go. I was the only one to make it All of the others were too slow.  But those new friends of mine in Christ Had all certainly made my day, So I gave them all the love sign, And then I quickly drove away.
Wayne received an honorable mention for “Bumper Sticker” at the Wergle Flomp Humor Poetry Contest in 2011.
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Alia’s Coloring Book
by Wayne Edwards

There’s nothing that Alia likes More than to color in her book. She uses colors that she likes And never cares how strange they look.
Who made the rules that skies are blue Or that the grass has to be green? The horses that she colors pink Are prettier than some I have seen.
If you’ve not seen a purple cow, Then you’ve not seen Alia’s book. Orange dinosaurs, and Teddy bears, Can all be found there, if you look.
All of those rules about the lines, That say you must stay in between… Make no more sense to our Alia Than those that say grass must be green.
And if you criticize her art, For colors you think don’t agree, Then maybe things in grownup land Are not the same as when you’re three.
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