Home Page>   NEW stuff Page>   Writing Content Page>  Guest Artists Page>
Old Coots Fire Department
by Wayne Edwards

He called 911, his barn was on fire! 
The Mad Dog Fire Department was the best. 
His brand new hay-filled barn on fire 
Would put these valiant men to test.
He telephoned them to please come quickly 
And then rushed to meet them up at his gate. 
But when he got there, they’d crashed through, 
They didn’t take the time to wait.
They took all the curves out of his driveway, 
They plowed straight through his near ripe field of corn. 
They drove head long up to the fire 
And crashed inside the burning barn.
The Mad Dog men scrambled off of their truck 
And began to frantically fight the blaze. 
With hoses and stomping boots 
Each fought with maniacal craze.
There had never been such frantic effort, 
As each man fought as though his life at stake. 
With backs against their truck, they fought 
With not one thought of rest or break.
In record time they doused the awesome fire 
And as they stumbled choking from the smoke, 
The fire chief checked each of his men, 
Then spoke with voice, a raspy croak.
Today each Mad Dog became a hero 
For they had saved my barn and half my hay. 
To reward their valiant efforts, 
No amount was too much to pay.
I told the chief, “Just name some need you have, 
I don’t care how much money that it takes.” 
The fire chief said, “I’m sure you saw 
Our old fire truck could use new brakes!”
Men Don’t Wash Dishes
by Wayne Edwards

Mom told me to wash the dishes
But that is Sister’s job I’m sure.
Men shouldn’t have to wash dishes
So I devised a little cure.
I would break one of Mom’s dishes,
Which would certainly make her sore,
But then she would never let me
Help wash the dishes any more.
But Mom said I just broke my plate,
And though I put up quite a howl,
Mom still makes me do the dishes
Now I eat off a paper towel.
Unintended Compliment
 by Wayne Edwards

The boxer made the front page,
Standing by his foxy bride,
He was so much too ugly
For the woman at his side.
My husband said, “Figure it,
One of those strange things in life,
How the biggest jerk always
Gets the most beautiful wife!”
Watching my belly-scratching man,
Sitting there drinking his beer,
I told him, “Thank you so much
For the compliment, my dear.”
Fishermen’s Lies
by Wayne Edwards

The mailman said he caught a catfish
That weighed a hundred and eighty pounds.
He bragged about his monster catfish
To everyone as he made his rounds.
Old Jake told him he caught a catfish
That was at least twenty times that big.
It had swallowed a fisherman’s boat,
His lantern and all his fishing rig.
Then he said that the fisherman’s stuff
Hadn’t been damaged one little bit.
In fact when he cut open the fish
The kerosene lantern was still lit.
The mailman said,”We’re not all that dumb.
You’re trying to hand us one big lie.
There’s no way that lantern would stay lit.
Next you’ll be telling that pigs can fly!”
Old Jake said, “Well, a fisherman’s lies
Is what this argument’s all about,
But you knock eighty pounds off your fish
And maybe I’ll blow my lantern out!”
Dear Mr. Government Man, Sir
by Wayne Edwards

Dear Mr. Government Man, Sir
The law called my folks yesterday. 
The sheriff told my ma and pa 
That you guys were looking for me. 
Said I had up and broke the law.
It seems that when they sign you up, 
You’re not allowed to run away. 
I know you’re busy catchin’ crooks 
But please take time to hear my say.
They took my coveralls away 
And then cut all of my hair off. 
You won’t believe what they done next, 
When they said, “Turn your head and cough!”
It’s plain they were out to get me. 
But I would surely be there still, 
If that guy at the shootin’ range 
Didn’t start yelling, “FIRE AT WILL!”
Will Turnipseed, Jr. 
by Wayne Edwards

“I’m on my way to a lecture”,
The drunk driver told the cop
Who’d pulled him over past the light,
Where the young man had failed to stop.
“Who’s giving a lecture this late,
And what is the lecture about?”
The policeman asked the drunk driver,
With a voice reflecting his doubt.
“It’s about alcohol abuse,
And things that cause marital strife,
Like gambling and staying out late.
The lecture will be by my wife!”
How to Beat a Speeding Ticket
by Wayne Edwards

She was stopped for speeding
And she knew she’d get a ticket.
But if she played her cards just right,
She might be able to lick it.
When he asked her for her license,
She told him, “This will make your day.
I don’t have a driver’s license,
The stupid judge took it away!”
“And I have no registration,
Because this is a stolen car.
I stole it after I’d been drinking
This morning down at Stacy’s Bar.”
“I killed the previous owner;
It was easy, we both were drunk,
He’s cut up in little pieces
In some garbage bags in the trunk.”
The policeman called for backup,
The SWAT team and the FBI.
The woman stood there peacefully
And then pretended to cry.
She gave the agent her license
And her registration with it.
“Tell me why I’ve been arrested,
What awful crime did I commit?”
Her paperwork had all checked out
And she certainly wasn’t drunk.
She gladly let them search her car.
There was no body in her trunk.
“The awful things he claims I said,
What’s a lady supposed to do?
What other lies did he tell on me?
I bet he said I was speeding too!”
by Wayne Edwards

The policeman told the lawyer
“That’s a stop sign, you failed to stop.”
“But I slowed down, that’s just as good”,
He sarcastically told the cop.
The policeman took his nightstick
And beat the lawyer good and sound.
He asked the lawyer as he beat him,
“Should I stop, or just slow down?”  
by Wayne Edwards

A policeman on surveillance 
Watched him stagger out of the bar. 
Watched him stumble across the street 
In search for where he’d parked his car.
He watched him fumble with his keys… 
He’d nail him like a sitting duck. 
People began to leave the bar, 
Seven cars and a pickup truck
But he had picked his victim well, 
One that he knew he couldn’t lose. 
There was no doubt this stumbling drunk 
Had put away far too much booze.
He finally got into his car… 
He honked its horn and blinked its lights. 
No doubt that he would try to drive; 
He’d soon be reading him his rights.
The last customers from the bar 
Were just now driving out of sight. 
He knew that some had drunk too much 
But he’d get them some other night.
The perp then got his car to start 
And slowly drove off down the street. 
Now was the time to stop the guy 
And for the two to finally meet.
The driver, much to his surprise, 
Was sober as a church choir boy. 
He winked and told the puzzled cop, 
This was his night to play decoy
Water into Wine
by Wayne Edwards

The preacher told him, “I work for God. 
Ticket me and you’ll go to Hell.” 
But the policeman asked the preacher, 
“Isn’t that alcohol I smell?”
The preacher said, “It’s just water.” 
The policeman said, “It smells like gin.” 
“Son, you’ve witnessed a mircacle!
It looks like He’s done it again!”
My worst childhood memories are of taking medicine when I was Sick. My mother was a registered nurse. When other neighborhood kids got a Band-Aid, I got sewed up with black silk thread. When Mom went through training, castor oil was the miracle drug. I got it for everything from a sore toe to appendicitis. Medicine now-a-days is all sugar-coated, but kids still resist taking it.
I’m sure that we have all felt like this little boy at one time or another.
by Wayne Edwards

Medicine always makes me sick 
When my mother makes me take it. 
It makes my stomach woozy 
When I watch my mother shake it.
So when I have to take a lot, 
It always happens without fail, 
It still makes me very sick 
A long time after I get well.
Dill Pickle Stew
by Wayne Edwards

Now Frank was a fellow who lived all alone, 
In a cave that was dark, with no telephone. 
There were crickets and spiders, and red ants galore, 
That lived on the ceiling the walls and the floor.
Frank lived all alone, but everyone knew. 
How he fed all the bugs on dill pickle stew. 
And everyone said, when people came calling, 
They left in a hurry with all those bugs crawling.
Now Frank was not clean, his cave was a mess. 
It could have been neater, he was first to confess. 
But the spiders and crickets and red ants were neat; 
When they came in from outside, they wiped off their feet.
Then a stranger came calling, the first they had seen; 
The bugs asked in unison, “Sir, are your feet clean?” 
“My feet?” said the stranger, his friendliness gone, 
“Of course they are not but I’ll keep my shoes on!”
When they asked him his name, he said, “GooGaLee”, 
In a voice sounding much like those guys on TV. 
His voice, they decided, was really so good 
That he could sell nickels that were made out of wood.
So they sat by the fire and ate dill pickle stew, 
And took turns spinning yarns from midnight ‘til two. 
It seems GooGaLee had come here from Mars 
To check on the weather and look at new cars.
He explained as he spoke to Frank and his pals, 
“There are no roads on Mars, there’re only canals.” 
So he and his sister, or mother or brother, 
(On Mars it is hard to tell one from the other)
Had decided that he should come here to see 
If the things were all true, that they saw on TV. 
‘Cause Earth’s silly programs and weird TV stars 
Can be seen quite clearly on their TVs on Mars.
So he’d picked tonight to come down and see 
If Earth’s cars were really like those on TV. 
He had brought lots of money (it just looked like rocks.) 
That he carried tied up in three pairs of socks.
Then Frank told the stranger about Earth’s TV; 
That the things that you buy are not what you see. 
That the guy on the set, who sold all those used cars, 
Was long thought by many, to have come here from Mars.
GooGaLee was excited, his eyes were a-popping. 
“First thing tomorrow, will you take me car shopping?” 
So the spiders and crickets and red ants and Frank 
Put on their best clothes and went to the bank.
They took the Mars’ money (it just looked like rocks) 
To the president’s office wrapped up in the socks. 
He looked at the bugs, GooGaLee and then Frank 
And thought that it must be some sort of prank.
“Mars’ money’s exchange rate is really quite low.” 
The president said, as if he’d really know. 
But liking the looks of Frank and his crew, 
He gave them his car that was almost brand new.
“And if there’s a market up there for used cars, 
Give me a ring when you get back to Mars.” 
Now Frank had made sandwiches from left-over stew, 
So they climbed in the car that was almost brand new.
Then GooGaLee said, “Roll the windows up tight, 
Fasten your seat belts, it’s gonna be a long flight.” 
Though Earth cars can’t fly, as everyone knows, 
He said, “Cross your fingers, your pinchers and toes.”
Now ‘reverse’, in Martian, we all know means fly. 
When he shifted to “R” they shot up through the sky. 
The trip took ten days or a week, maybe two. 
When they got up to Mars, they were all sick of stew.
So they sat down to eat at GooGaLee’s house. 
Where they dined on fried chicken or was it fried mouse? 
And they all drank too much of the sweet MaLiMoo, 
That forms on Mars plants every morning like dew.
After dinner their host said he’d show them around 
Though Mars has no city or village or town. 
They all live in caves with their friends and their pals 
And go swimming each morning in the Martian canals.
But the thing they most like, on the planet called Mars, 
Is watching commercials from Earth about cars. 
And they all adopt names to use, when they play, 
Like Lincoln and Mercury and of course Chevrolet.
Now Frank had been welcomed with kisses and hugs 
But the Martians admitted they didn’t like bugs. 
So the crickets and spiders and red ants with Frank 
Decided that they would play a neat prank.
The red ants built ant nests in the shape of small cars 
While the spiders spun webs to string the guitars 
That the crickets had made, while sitting around 
And surprising to all, they made a great sound.
They found a big box, that was five feet by three, 
And cut out the front to look like a TV. 
The crickets and spiders played eight string guitars 
While the ants in the box told lies about cars.
The Martians all said that they loved the commercial 
That the bugs had performed without a rehearsal. 
So the Martians all built their own TV frames 
And invited the bugs to play for their games.
The American car names were used past their quota 
So the Martians told Frank they would call him Toyota. 
They asked him to stay there on Mars, with his crew, 
And teach them all how to make dill pickle stew.
So he bought a new cave, with a large screen TV, 
Where he watches commercials with his pal GooGaLee. 
And the banker on Earth bought fifteen new cars; 
He got rich selling rocks that he claimed came from Mars. 
Consider the Monkey
by Wayne Edwards

Consider the monkey, 
A devious creature. 
He mimics mankind 
In most every feature.
But for only one thing, 
That I think’s just as well, 
Mankind is not blessed 
With the monkey’s long tail.
Have you ever had thoughts, 
Of just how it would be, 
If God handed out tails 
When he made you and me?
When you think of a tail, 
It would be hard to guess 
Just where we would put tails 
Wearing pants or a dress.
And if some day your tail 
Would get hurt or get sick, 
Would a tail specialist 
Be the doctor you’d pick?
A tail would be handy 
For carrying some things 
And the ladies could use it 
For wearing more rings.
A monkey is hairy 
And that just might not do. 
‘Cause there’d be no place left 
For weirdoes to tattoo.
Now the monkey just spends 
All his time up in trees, 
Throwing nasty things down 
At the people he sees.
He mimics and copies 
All the things people do, 
So take care or he’ll make 
A monkey out of you.
Now in any king’s court, 
He’d make a good jester. 
But of one thing I’m sure, 
He’s not MY ancestor!
The Secret
by Wayne Edwards
This is the secret that Sally told me not to tell you.
It is a secret, so I know that it’s true.
She heard it from Billy who got it from Sue.
It’s too good to keep. What else can I do?
Sue heard it from Joe, who’s sick with the flu.
Who he got it from, I haven’t a clue.
You ve got to be kidding!
He got it from you?
It Could Have Been Worse
by Wayne Edwards

My sister bit into an apple:
An apple; red and round and firm.
Inside to her surprise she found
An ugly, wiggly, squirmy, worm.
“To bite an apple with a worm
Can cause you to feel sick”, I said.
I told her it would have been worse,
Had she found half a worm instead!
On to Next Page