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New Year’s Resolution
by Wayne Edwards
He said he was going to count his blessings 
And take responsibility for his actions. 
His wife said, “You can’t count your blessings. 
You never were too good at fractions.”
One Tough Poodle
by Wayne Edwards

A poodle went into the woods. 
Just why he went there, I don’t know, 
Because for a little poodle 
That is a stupid place to go.
As he was strolling down a path, 
And feeling very much alone, 
He came upon a skeleton 
That had a very tasty bone.
As he was chewing on the bone 
He saw a bear behind a tree. 
He thought, 
“Now that old bear is sure 
To make a picnic out of me!”
But he kept chewing on his bone 
And said, as if no one was there, 
“I’m running out of things to eat, 
I need to catch another bear!”
The bear heard this and ran away. 
“That little poodle must be tough! 
I don’t need meat for every meal. 
I’ll just eat grubs and weeds and stuff.”
Now Tabby Cat had seen it all, 
And hating dogs like all cats do, 
Ran off to tell the coward bear 
That what he’d heard had not been true.
The bear was mad as he could be 
When Tabby cat explained the lie. 
“I could have cat for lunch,” He thought, 
“But first I’ll have some poodle pie.”
The poodle was no dummy dog. 
When he heard the returning pair 
He yelled, “Where is that stupid cat 
I sent to get a nother bear?”
Spin Cycle
by Wayne Edwards

Let me tell you the tale
About Timothy Green,
Who climbed in his mother’s
Brand new washing machine.
It was entertaining
To his brother Michael,
Who had watched him go through
The entire spin cycle.
His mother was worried,
But his dad just said, “Bosh,
I’m sure little Timmy
Will come out in the wash.”
Anyone can make a paper boat; but to make one good enough to carry Sister’s Barbie was a real challenge.
The little boy in Shipwreck was able to convince his sister that his boat was safe enough to carry her precious Barbie, after all, his only loss would be a piece of paper. Children must be taught to respect the property and feelings of others. They are not born with that knowledge.
by Wayne Edwards

My little boat
Sailed out to sea,
And there it sank,
Oh me! Oh me!
Of folded paper It was made,
My loss was not so great.
But sister’s Barbie, a passenger,
Has gone to meet her fate.
My Brother’s Bicycle
by Wayne Edwards

I rode my brother’s bike,
He never wants me to
But he was still in school
So just what could he do?
I hit a great big tree,
It was an awful blow.
I put his bike back up,
You think that he will know?
by Wayne Edwards

I drew a picture of my friend,
so funny that it made me cry.
I guess he didn’t think it funny,
’cause he punched me in the eye.
by Wayne Edwards

My mother calls me Lose-A-Lot
Because I lose a lot of stuff,
She buys me two of everything
Because just one is not enough.
I lost my shoes and then my socks,
My brand new shirt I left somewhere.
Don’t ask me how but yesterday
I even lost my underwear.
Clumsy Sue
by Wayne Edwards

Little Suzie is so clumsy
That she usually makes a mess.
What little Suzie will do next
Is always anybody’s guess.
When Suzie found a jumping rope,
She decided she would try it.
Now Suzie needs a book on knots
So she can learn to untie it!
My Pet Monk ey Likes You, Anna
by Wayne Edwards

My monkey said he’d really like 
To come and see you, sometime soon. 
He said I should suggest, to you, 
Tomorrow… early afternoon.
I don’t know why he likes you so 
Because you’ve never even met. 
He has lots of weird ideas; 
He’s really such a stupid pet.
And now he asks me, every day, 
If we’re gonna go to Anna’s. 
It all started when I told him 
Kids all say that you’re bananas.

My dog is an ugly dog,
As anyone can see.
He’s not the kind that folks like,
But he’s good enough for me.
He spins around in circles,
When he greets me after school.
That’s why I named him “Twister,”
And I think he’s really cool.
His legs look like a Beagle’s,
And his hair a porcupine.
His eyes are sort of crossed;
Mom jokes they look like mine.
He’s got a squashed-up nose
Like Sally’s Pekinese.
He really is quite ugly;
Dad says he scares off fleas.
His tail is long and scruffy,
It tends to knock things over.
He likes to roll in dead things;
He doesn’t smell like clover!
Uncle asked if I would take
A million bucks for Twister.
“Not ten million bucks,” I said
“But I’ll sell you my big sister!”
by Wayne Edwards
I don’t like to tie my shoestrings,
It’s something I don’t like to do.
They trip me when I walk and run,
And get all black with mud and goo.
Strangers stop me just to tie them,
And when they’ve finished they say, “There.”
They rub my head and walk away,
And leave me with all mussed up hair!
I really ought to tie my shoes,
Before my mother has a cow.
The reason I’ve not done it yet,
Is that I’ve quite forgotten  how!
Ice-Cream Man

He seemed a nice and friendly man
When first I went into his store.
I saw a list of flavors there
And said, “Don’t you have any more?”
He asked, “What flavors do you want?”
And claimed that he had quite a few.
“I have a brand new peppermint,
Pistachio and honey dew.”
“I have butter-brickle almond,
And a very tasty cherry,
Or how about a chocolate
That is swirled with boysenberry?”
“Would you like a fudge-banana
Or a caramel chocolate dip?
How about coffee pumpkin dream
Or maybe a butterscotch rip?”
“Would you like to try brandy peach
Or a peanut butter custard?
How about hamburger flavor?
It’s complete with cheese and mustard.”
“I also have orange marmalade,
Dr. Pepper, orange crush and root beer.
How about my almond mocha
Or my licorice candy cheer?”
“Of course I have pecan praline,
Tin roof, doghouse and rocky road.
Have you tried my favorite one
Called hippity hoppity toad?”
“There is strawberry pecan sherbet
And chocolate banana lime.
The one the kids all like to try
Is one called Frankenstein’s green slime.”
Well I don’t know why he kicked me,
He had been a jolly fella.
I guess it really made him mad,
When I said, “I’ll have vanilla.”
Wholesale Cat

Our cat got into a fight
And completely lost her tail.
It was the cat that my dad
Had decided we should sell.
Dad said now it sure looked like
We would have to wholesale her.
Because there is just no way
We could ever retail her.
Bad News About Grandpa
by Wayne Edwards

Grandpa was in the ER,
He’d been there quite a while
When the doctor came out.
He wasn’t wearing a smile.
“I’m afraid I have bad news;”
With a sad look, the doctor said,
“Your grandpa’s heart is beating,
But I’m afraid that he’s braindead.”
Grandmother was hysterical,
“How could he end up like that?
A conservative all his life,
And now he’s a Democrat?”

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