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I Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Technology

John W. Pinkerton


I find the world-wide-web immensely useful, and I fully embrace it.   It provides me with a quick means of communicating with my fellow human beings in a written form which is far superior to the spoken means of communication because one has the time to organize one's thoughts before expressing them.  It gives the person receiving your words time to form an appropriate response, or even more importantly, no response at all, and still more important there is a permanent record of the communication.  In my case, I like that I can create a webpage which people can go to, or not go to, to see what kind of nonsense I am pushing.  My little website, oldartguy.com, is primarily used to promote artists and authors; I doubt that this activity will be the cause of my being cast into Hell.

The computer itself combines a lot of the functions which have been part of separate instruments in the past: calculator, dictionary, encyclopedia, music player, video player, games, typewriter, calendar, clock, picture book, et cetera.  The computer is where my interest in newly developed technologies ends.

For example, I don't need no damned cell phone.  If you want to talk to me, I'll use my good old-fashioned landline, 1930's model, black with nickel trim telephone.  The chances are pretty good I don't want to talk to you anyway, and, besides, if it was good enough for Alexander Graham Bell, it should be good enough for me. 

I don't need no digital TV with a curved screen, and I don't need no 3-D TV: this is a good example of just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. 3-D motion pictures came out when I was a teenager: they're like rodeos---if you've seen one, you've seen them all.

I don't need no MP3 player: to begin with, I'm not a big music enthusiast, and I'm not likely to suddenly feel the need to hear a tune while I'm working or involved in some other non-music activity which pretty much covers everything. 

I don't need no I-Watch.  Watches should tell time and maybe the date, but that's it.  Although I have a wonderful, and I might add, expensive watch, I quit wearing it years ago when I realized that I'm surrounded all day long by clocks which I can refer to. 

I don't need no ding-dang  car that has fifty cup holders, GPS's, telephones, built in televisions, built in computers, it's just a car---for me a means of transportation.

I don't need no dog-gone WI.  First of all, I don't want any exercise, but if I did, I'd do something that doesn't involve a screen.

I don't need no  solar panels: why pay a high cost that you won't get back for twenty years.  When I was young, I longed for solar power.  If the cost makes it practical, I'll be the first in line.  As for now, stick your solar panels where the sun don't shine, and, by the way, your electric cars also.

I think they used to call them palm pilots, little computers in which you could keep yourself organized.  If you need help keeping your life organized, hire someone to look after you because a palm pilot ain't likely to get the job done.

I don't need no  GPS.  If I don't know where I'm going, I shouldn't go there.

I'm from a different generation than most of you folks.  I realize that I see the world differently than you.  If you feel a need for all of this technology, go for it.  As for me, most of this stuff doesn't do much for me.