JOHN W. PINKERTON oldjwpinkerton@gmail.com A few years ago, I thought it would be amusing to write a group of essays which I would collect into a book to be given to my pallbearers. Hmm, some explanation seems appropriate: when I was a kid, I always thought it odd that most famous folks did not have final words. Of course, as I became a big kid, I realized having final words was an option for very few of us. Well, the essays are my way of having final words, even if I’m not famous, for people I care about. But now that I have a website, I think I’ll share them with whoever chooses to read them whether I care for them or not. The pallbearers will have to settle for the good thought or maybe a nice sandwich. To encourage folks to write fiction for the site, I created my own short story, “Phineas T. McGregor: the Great Bank Robber.” I discovered the following: non-fiction easy; fiction hard. I’ve even wandered off into the world of poetry. I discovered the following: prose easy; poetry hard. As you probably know, I’m old. Writing is one more way for me to keep myself occupied in my “golden” years. MY ESSAYS 1 Television 2 The Picture Show 3 Dogs are Chosen: Cats Choose 4 My Dog: My Hero 5 Fantasy Football 6 Golf 7 My Friend Jim 8 Music 9 Poetry 10 Jokes 11 Mathematics 12 Cars 13 Bars 14 Our Town 15 Flying Is for the Birds 16 Big Changes Little Noted 17 Religion or Not 18 Farming Bad: Gardening Good 19 The Horse and Other Ways to Die 20 Art: It’s My Nature 21 Intelligence 22 A Curmudgeon’s Report 23 Counting Cats 24 Weird Physics 25 What’s All This Israel Stuff? 26 House 27 Food 28 LSU and Other Things I Don’t Lose Sleep Over 29 Did I Mention It Was Hot? 30 Shock 31 Social Changes 32 The PO-lice 33 Senior Status 34 Clothes 35 Weather 36 Death and Other Humorous Parts of Living 37 End of the World... or Not So Much 38 Gifts 39 I’ve Seen Enough 40 My War with the Army 41 Oops, I’m a Collector 42 Hunting 43 You’re Not the Boss of Me 44 Friends Misplaced But Not Lost 45 Fishing 46 Beauty and the Beast 47 Haircut 48 Vacations 49 Politics 50 Public Education 51 Gambling 52 Coffee 53 The One-Eyed Man 54 I Am No Artist 55 Essay on Essays 56 Holy Moly! We Went to the Moon! 57 On Turning 70 58 Children’s Games 59 Magazines 60 I Missed the Memo 61 Idioms 62 Reading 63 John Wayne 64 Glossophobia 65 Newspapers 66 Stupid Norwegians? 67 Oops! 68 The New Telephone Book’s Here! 69 I Guess I’m Just a Bad Person 70 Sundays, the Sabbath, and Blue Laws 71 The Sweet Science 72 The Day I “Met” Robert Penn Warren 73 The Ol’ Double-L: a Sovereign Nation 74 Cowboy Bob Steele 75 How to Nod Knowingly 76 Who Are These People? 77 Dear Dallas Cowboys 78 The Academy Awards 79 Photography 80 Discussin’ Cussin 81 Billy Goes Home 82 Same-Sex Marriage 83 Time or Maybe Not 84 Spring Arrives with the Masters 85 Hucklebuckle 86 The Most Interesting Man in the World 87 Funny Folks: Stand-Up Comedians 88 H. L Mencken 89 The Silent Generation 90 The Crazy Old Man 91 GTT 92 Ronnie June “Tumble” Terry 93 How Old Art Guy Became an Online Magazine 94 Cattywhompus 95 Useless Memories 96 UFOs and Me 97 Who or Whom? 98 Humility 99 Email Dilemma 100 Baseball: Things Change 101 The Battered Wives Club 102 Salt 103 Bathroom: the Horror, the Horror 104 The Upside Down and Backward World of Languages 105 High Self-Esteem and Expectations 106 Dang It, Darwin 107 An Ode to Ripple 108 Janis 109 How I Became a Prince 110 Aaron Edward Hotchner 111 I Am a Little Erased 112 Old Minds Wander 113 Night to Day: the Transition 114 The Bug That Bugs Me 115 Listening for the Mockingbirds 116 G. K. Chesterton 117 Bad Luck Bill and Other Superstitions 118 Azalea Pinkwater 119 Hobson’s Choice 120 Evangelist for Writing 121 My Karma Ran Over Your Dogma 122 Work, Work, Work til Your Ass Falls Off 123 Finley Peter Dunn 124 The Moon and Green Cheese 125 Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen 126 The Power of Positive Thinking 127 Southern Waving 128 To Sleep, Perchance to Dream 129 Murals 130 Your’re Getting on My Last Nerve: Quotation Marks and Italics 131 The Penny 132 I Don’t Know My Colors 133 Transcendentalism 134 Jaguar XKE or MG Midget? 135 Nancy Said: Quotation Marks 136 Fifteen Minutes of Fame 137 Creepy Places 138 An Open Letter 139 Know Thyself 140 My New Old Cousin 141 Bobby Hebert 142 Top Ten Dead Folks 143 Old Photos 144 Wilbur Shaw 145 The Art Accident 146 What a Strange World 147 Lord Elgin 148 Jousting with Windmills 149 Old Age and Nursing Homes 150 Language Matters 151 From Alvin to Yogi 152 Impossible? 153 Let’s Talk about Hats 154 Last Meals 155 Alone 156 This Is an Intervention 157 Cool 158 Twenty-four in One 159 Zombies 160 Drinking, Camping and the Presidents 161 Coaches 162 A Remarkable “Insignificant” Person 163 Frog or Toad 164 Give Me a Damned Break 165 Let’s Talk about Goats 166 Possum, Linda’s Cat 167 Harrison Barron 168 Linear Week 169 Maybe Folks Just Don’t Like Art 170 New Years Resolutions or Lies We Tell Ourselves 171 Ugly Cars 172 Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum 173 Shakespeare’s Man 174 ...and I Ain’t Too Sure About You 175 Name Change Head Explosion 176 It’s a Ding Dang Miracle 177 Hang Those Deniers 178 Beards Are Trending 179 We Call Our Daddies Daddy 180 Richard Milhous Nixon 181 Bigwigs 182 Grandma Barron 183 Irish 184 Round Top 185 Mrs. Marguerite Miller 186 Flyover County 187 No Apocalypse: Off to Work 188 Duke Ellington 189 Kiss My Grits 190 If You’re a Man over Thirty 191 The Bee Man Cometh 192 I’ve Been Spammed 193 I Ain’t No Graduation Speaker 194 Applause, Please 195 The Real Rocky 196 Roll Dem Dice 197 They Come for the Wine 198 The Death Sentence 199 Where’s My Theme Music? 200 J. W. Pinkerton, Author 201 I Ain’t No Dancer 202 I Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Technology 203 I Am a Lucky Man 204 Same Man: Same Problem 205 Small Scenes, Big Memories 206 It Was Never Your Team, Les 207 First, Do No Harm 208 Irish Fathers and Automobiles 209 Bob and Me 210 Speakers’s Corner 211 Enemies Can Be Blessings 212 You’re Still Not the Boss of Me 213 Old White Guy Speaks 214 Meaning of Life 215 What’s Under Your Bed? 216 Wallowing in Grief 217 Movietone News 218 Addition and Subtraction 219 George W. Bush 220 Wanderlust 221 Leon Hale 222 Will Rogers: Renaissance Man 223 Family Is a Choice 224 The Don Quixote of Donkeys 225 Shoot the Art or the Artist 226 My Tree 227 The Romance Is Over 228 Bored 229 Philosophy: Yeah, That’s the Ticket 230 Francis and Friends 231 Anti-intellectualism My Butt 232 I Ain’t Dropping My Pants 233 Gravity’s Pull on Me 234 Okay, We Need to Talk 235 Words 236 An Epiph 237 Fog 238 P. G. Wodehouse 239 Hitchin’ 240 Nicknames 241 The Great Turkey Debate 242 College Degrees: Look before You Leap 243 Amos ‘n’ Andy 244 Breaking the Code...Maybe 245 I Know Nothing 246 Sultry 247 Bret Harte 248 Spoons 249 Saki 250 Afterlife 251 Preacher 252 What It Is Is Baseball 253 It’s a Freakin’ Miracle 254 People 255 Suicide Happens 256 My Pallbearers 257 Not a Wizard 258 Bob Barron 259 The Old Guy Card 260 Bringing Gusto to the Game 261 The Cool Kids’ Table 262 Trismegistus 263 Jim Was a Good One 264 Attaboy, 8 265 Different Times---Different Standards 266 Icons and Judgments 267 My Front Porch 268 Paul Harvey: American Hero 269 Hell, It’s On 270 Poodle Skirts and Ike 271 My Reality 272 Uncle Earl 273 I’ve Run Out of Stories 274 Archie: What a Guy 275 The Bevish and Other Ways to Goomberdock 276 Difficult Problem: Difficult Solutions 277 The Mystery of Electricity 278 So...You Have Six Friends 279 I Hate Trump 280 Don’t Want to Be Too Ambitious 281 This Ain’t Brain Surgery 282 The Perfect Crime 283 Bubba Does Standup 284 Out of Office Replies 285 We Bought a Car 286 A Charming Couple 287 My Old Brain 288 The DQ 289 What Art Education? 290 Hell, I’m an Entrepreneur 291 Happy Pessimist 292 Place 293 Sneezes 294 Hold My Beer 295 Magic 296 Jack 297 My Eulogy, a Work in Progress 298 Routines 299 Hate 300 300 301 Bob and Silent K 302 Mark Twain 303 Tibia Vara 304 Bourre 305 No Mahatna Ghandi, I 306 They Called Me Dumbass 307 Cemetary Bargains 308 My First and Best Principal 309 “I Like Rich People 310 “Dumb Aliens 311 “Stephen Hawkins without the Brain 312 Prayer 313 Christine’s Dopplegager 314 Scraps of High School Memories 315 It’s My Birthday 316 I’m Cured...I Guess 317 Lonely Artists 318 Hardware, Software, and Life 319 Man Plans, and God Laughs 320 Apathy---Not Always a Bad Thing 321 I’m a Capitalist 322 Deaf, Dumb, Blind Old Kid 323 I Collect People 324 I Want My Spaces Back 325 Snake! 326 Berkeley PC Police Save the World 327 Do Aliens Have a Sense of Humor 328 Beer for All 329 It’s Football Season and Fall Can’t Be Far Behind 330 God Hates a Straight Line 331 Magical Thinking 332 No Control 332 Oh, Yeah...and I Had a Heart Attack 333 Heart Attack Leftovers 334 Not a Chance from the Get-Go 335 A Mulligan, Please 336 Slogans You Remember 337 Just Not Funny 338 Good Luck, Dems 339 Lawsuit...Really? 340 Country Inn---Gone 341 Javelina Yawns 342 Too Dumb to Know 343 Well Done, You Arrogant Bastards 344 Inez, Buck, and the Whoop 345 Our Big Oak: Hard Times 346 Rosie Orozco 347 The Smells Are Back 348 Uh...Bad News and More Bad News 349 Golf---Oh, Well 350 Mah Jongg 351 Ya’ll Come Back, Ya Hear 352 Ya’ll So Silly 353 Settling 354 John Grant 355 The American People Have Spoken 356 The Class of 1960 357 ET Munoz 358 Rehab 359 Novelty Songs 360 Essay Inspirations MY FICTION 1 Phineas T. McGregor: the Great Bank Robber 2 The Country Club 3 Dark Matter 4 My Name Is Ismael 5 Sundays Smell Different 6 Catch Any Bad Guys? 7 “Bobby Joe Does Polling” “” MY POETRY See “The Poetry of John Pinkerton” 213 When I Become Smaller 214 Thanks, Mate 215 Addition and Subtraction

JOHN W. PINKERTON

A few years ago, I thought it would be amusing to write a group of essays which I would collect into a book to be given to my pallbearers. Hmm, some explanation seems appropriate: when I was a kid, I always thought it odd that most famous folks did not have final words. Of course, as I became a big kid, I realized having final words was an option for very few of us. Well, the essays are my way of having final words, even if I’m not famous, for people I care about. But now that I have a website, I think I’ll share them with whoever chooses to read them whether I care for them or not. The pallbearers will have to settle for the good thought or maybe a nice sandwich.

To encourage folks to write fiction for the site, I created my own short story, “Phineas T. McGregor: the Great Bank Robber.” I discovered the following: non-fiction easy; fiction hard.