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Let’s Talk about Goats

John W. Pinkerton


Let's talk about goats.  Don't you give me that condescending look.  We're going to talk about goats whether you want to or not.

Now, I've never owned a goat.  I've been called an old goat, and I've painted a bunch of goats.  People like goats.  I'm not sure why, but they do.  They purchase a lot of my goat paintings.  Goats start with personalities, and with a little tweaking, they pop on the canvas.  All I know is that they bought me a new set of tires.

Okay, I'm about to give you more information about goats than you probably need.  The Latin for domestic goat is capra aegagrus hircus.  Domestic goats are descendants of wild goats of Southwest Asia and Eastern Europe.  Both goats and sheep are goat-antelope subfamily of the family Bovidae.  Female goats are “does” or “nannies”; goats who haven't given up their manhood are called “bucks” or “billies” or “rams.”  Castrated goats are called “wethers.”  Offsprings are called “kids” or “cabrito” (Spanish), and older goats are called “goats”, “chevon” (French) or “mutton.”

There are over 300 breeds of goats.  They are one of the oldest domesticated animals, and they are used for milk, meat, hair, and skin and sometimes pets.  It is estimated there are 914 million goats alive today.  There are 7.3 billion people.  We’re winning…I guess.

Okay, now to the question of why we like goats.  Well, they're extremely curious and intelligent.  Athletic?  Absolutely.  Heck, if a tree leans a little, they can climb it, and they are definitely escape artists.  They even teach each other how to escape their fences or whatever imprisons them, and unlike sheep who tend to clump together in fields…like sheep, goats like a little space.

The lips and tongues of goats are extremely sensitive explaining why they nibble at seemingly inedible objects and prove that at least they can be ingested if not digested.

Okay, that’s enough free education: read the following jokes about goats while I ponder why we like goats.


The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having._"Goat," the little boy replied._"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"_"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'”


Little Johnny's goat was hit by a car, and unfortunately, died. Mom and dad tried their best to console their young son. "You know, Johnny, it's not your fault the goat died, it was just fate." But Little Johnny would have none of it. So, in a last gasp attempt, Little Johnny's dad said, "He's probably up in Heaven right now with God. He'll be happy there, so you don't have to feel bad anymore." Little Johnny asked, "What would God want with a dead goat?"


Now, a few quick ones:

"Doctor, Doctor I feel like a goat".

"How long have you felt like that"?

"Since I was a kid".


Why did the ram run over the cliff?

He didn't see the ewe turn.


Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?

Because they're always butting in.


Now for a couple of long ones.  Don’t worry: you’ll laugh.

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a billy goat standing next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Baahh. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. " Baahh. 9 Iron."

He looks at the billy goat and decides to prove him wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.

He says to the billy goat, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky goat, eh?" The billy goat replies, "Baahh. Lucky goat."

The man decides to take the billy goat with him to the next hole. "What do you think, goat?" the man asks. " Baahh. 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the billy goat, "OK, where to next?" The billy goat replies, " Baahh. Las Vegas."

So, they go to "Las Vegas, and the guy says, "OK goat, now what?"

The billy goat says, “Baahh. Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The billy goat replies, " Baahh. $3000,

black 6."

Now, this is a million to one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. Once in the hotel room the man says, "Goat, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money, and I am forever grateful.  Just name it and it is yours."

The billy goat replies, " Baaah, Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the goat did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the billy goat turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

".... And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.”


A rancher named Clyde had a car accident.  In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer. 

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite goat, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road... "_The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite goat, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite goat, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said 'How are you feeling?'

"Now what the hell would you say?"


Okay.  Okay.  This is the last one.

Barry and Ray are headed home after a big night on the town when Barry accidentally hits a buck goat. Ray being the animal lover he jumps out of the car and gives the goat artificial respiration and revives him.

Ray says to Barry “He's going to be fine, but it's cold, so we'll have to put him in the car to keep him warm.

Barry yells, "What about the terrible stinking smell in my car?"  

Ray replies, "That's OK: we'll hold the buck's nose!"


I looked around the internet for goat quotes---quotes about goats, not quotes by goats---while you were reading the jokes.  I only found one that struck my fancy:

Happiness isn't happiness unless there's a violin-playing goat.

Julia Roberts

I like that image.  Maybe I’ll paint a violin-playing goat. 

Wait!  Wait!  I just found another quote worth noting and one that holds the answer to why we like goats:

“For some wonderful reason, goats not only aren’t afraid of but actually live for fun. Anyone who has seen a goat race headlong across a field then leap sideway into the air for the sheer joy of it knows what kicking up your heels really means.”

Bill O’Halloren

There!  I found the answer to my question of why folks like goats, and you got to read the jokes.