Meathead

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Meathead
Ponk Vonsydow
ponkvonsydow@gmail.com

Twenty-four-year-old, Eugene Poindexter lived in a slightly remote log cabin, constructed over 70 years ago by his grandfather who died at the age of ninety-four. Eugene’s grandfather left the log cabin to Eugene’s father, who let it fall into disrepair before he died in a bizarre jump rope accident, passing the log cabin down to Eugene who decided he might as well live in the damn place.

Each morning Eugene drove an hour to come into Kalispell, Montana, where his part-time job as the janitor for a gym was located. The gym stayed open twenty-four hours-a-day, seven days-a-week. In addition to his hourly minimum wage pay, the gym gave Eugene a free membership. Every afternoon at 6 p.m. when Eugene’s daily shift ended, Eugene would go into the locker room, put on his gym clothes, to take advantage of his free membership by working out for two hours each day.

While Eugene was busy on various machines lifting as much weight as he could manage, he observed others in the gym working out at the same time. The people Eugene paid the most attention to were the ones that were in the best shape and who had the biggest, most well-developed physiques. Eugene greatly admired the muscle men with their hulking shoulders and biceps, well defined barrel chests, washboard abs, and chiseled thighs and calves. Eugene himself was a one-hundred and twenty-five pound weakling, with rail thin arms and legs, a sunken chest, and no butt to speak of, and could only dream of one day having big muscles like the muscle men had which was why he worked out as soon as he got off work.

But after doing so for over two years, he was still just as skinny as he was when he started out. While the muscle men went around lifting insane amounts of weight, the best Eugene could manage on the bench press was to lift the twenty-five-pound bar alone and without the addition of dumbbells. Then as he watched the muscle men lifting entire stacks of weights on the machines, all Eugene could lift, in most cases, was the same mere twenty-five pounds. At the rate he was going, it would probably take Eugene a lifetime of years before he would develop muscles that looked like those muscle men. Being surrounded by them in the gym as they grunted, lifting hundreds of pounds while cheering each other on and talking about getting pumped up and ripped, only served to humiliate poor Eugene whose weak muscles refused to get pumped or ripped.

To make matters even worse for Eugene, there were the muscle women who were well defined and far more muscular than him. In Eugene’s mind, being weaker and skinnier than the girls only served to make him feel lower than he did when comparing himself to the muscle men. And worse still, Eugene was attracted to the muscle women who went around in tight fitting halters and stretch shorts that left little to the imagination. He had to listen to them moan and groan as they worked out and got covered in dew drops of hot sweat. It was all very sexual in a way, sometimes arousing Eugene, who would become ashamed.

Still, when the muscle women were around, all Eugene could do was stare at them, and eventually the muscle women caught him staring and would put on a big show, bending over right in Eugene’s face or pumping dumbbells, putting their arms together in front which caused their massive mammerian mcgillicutties to perk up with cleavage. All of this thrilled Eugene because sometimes while that was happening, one of the muscle women came over to where he was and flirted with him, promising they would go out on a date with him as soon as he grew some big muscles. On those days Eugene worked out twice as hard and twice as long, still getting zero results. But Eugene was determined so he worked out day after day anyway.
****
It was ten-thirty at night in the quiet woods where Eugene’s log cabin was located. With the exception of the lamps inside Eugene’s cabin, the woods were totally dark. Suddenly there was an extremely bright flash of light and after that Eugene heard what sounded like an explosion. Grabbing his lantern and lighting it, Eugene walked out of the cabin and stood on the wooden porch holding the lantern out in front of him, but whatever it was it was much farther away, somewhere in the woods. Eugene could see something glowing in the distance. Possibly a fire, so he went behind the cabin to the tool shed and grabbed a shovel, then headed in the direction of the fire thinking he would snuff it out by throwing dirt on it when he got there.

Five-hundred yards out from his cabin, Eugene discovered some kind of metal wreckage and portions of it burned, giving off thick black smoke. Eugene took out his handkerchief and covered his nose and mouth then continued to investigate. After walking the perimeter around the wreck, he decided it was some kind of vehicle because it had what looked like an obvious tailfin and there appeared to be rocket engines attached. But the wreck was unmarked and it did not resemble an airplane or jet. Eugene was perplexed but then he heard something making a sound like an animal in pain. Eugene walked towards the sound and discovered a person inside the wreck, only this person couldn’t have been a human being because it had three eyeballs and two antennae coming out of its head. Plus its skin was lime green.

But there was something else remarkable about the occupant of what Eugene now thought of as a wrecked flying saucer. It was huge and had bulging, well developed muscles and was totally ripped from head-to-toe, all of which Eugene saw clearly because the creature wasn’t wearing any clothes, and it was naked so nothing about it was left to the imagination. Eugene saw it was huge everywhere so to speak. It was also badly injured. Eugene saw bright pink blood oozing out of rips and tears in its skin, and could see what looked like broken bones which stuck out of even bigger wounds.

As Eugene stood in front of the alien, it motioned towards him with its finger as though it wanted to whisper something in Eugene’s ear. Eugene walked closer to it and leaned over placing his right ear near the creature’s mouth. It spoke in English with a strange accent:

“My people are called the Hurculon. There was a time, long ago, when all of our kind was weak, like you are weak. We were so skinny a strong gust of wind could blow us over. But then our scientists invented a powerful serum that after ingestion made us grow strong and big with bulging muscles. But alas as big and strong as I am, I could not survive the impact of my vessel hitting the surface of your planet at high velocity and all because I was showing off to the others who returned to my world to report my death. Yes, weakling, I am going to die. But before I pass into the void I will give you a parting gift. Search through the wreckage of my craft until you find my last case of the growth serum we call Bovathol. But be warned, weakling. Drink only small amounts of it and wait for the results before you drink more because it is far too powerful for a human being in large doses. After you begin to consume the Bovathol you will grow strong and big and your muscles will bulge like my people’s do. But whatever you do, don’t forget to heed my warning about the Bovathol!”

Before Eugene could respond, the alien sighed and died. Eugene was barely able to pull the huge muscular alien out of the wreckage. He dug a shallow grave and buried him. Then he shoveled dirt over the portions of the wreck that still burned and snuffed out the fires. After that he went looking for the Bovathol, eventually finding a case containing twelve full bottles. The Bovathol glowed in the dark, a light blue color. But the case was heavy and Eugene was unable to lift it so instead he slid it along the ground putting his full weight against it being just able to push it a few feet at a time. It took him a full hour to reach his cabin.

Once inside his cabin Eugene took the bottles out of the case one-by-one and stashed them inside a kitchen cabinet leaving a single bottle out because he intended to give himself his first dose that very night. Recalling what the alien said about the stuff, Eugene got a small juice glass that held about five ounces of fluid and filled it with the glowing Bovathol, then slugged it down. Surprisingly enough it tasted good although what it tasted like was anybody’s guess. Then Eugene got in bed and went to sleep.

Eugene woke up earlier than usual and immediately noticed he felt unusually refreshed and full of energy. He got out of bed to stand naked in front of his full length mirror where up until now such a view only served to demonstrate what a weakling he was. But now it reflected something entirely different. This time when he stood before it, he was amazed to discover that there was more bulk to his arms and legs and his pectorals were more pronounced and there was a hint of definition to his abs. After stepping onto his scale, he discovered overnight he put on twenty-five pounds! Excited to learn the Bovathol worked wonders, he went into the kitchen and this time drank two five-ounce servings. Then he got dressed, drove into town and went to work.

Eugene hardly even broke a sweat despite his boss forcing him to hand scrub the floors with a soap brush. After his shift ended, once he was undressed in the locker room, he looked in the mirrors installed on the walls and was shocked to discover he now had the physique of a one hundred seventy-five pound athlete. He actually had muscles and not just on his shoulders and biceps, but his chest was now broad and toned, he had a washboard stomach, and his legs were thick and strong and well cut. Eager to show off his new body, he got dressed in his old gym clothes which hardly fit and went out into the weight room to see how much he could lift.

Eugene was able to move the fifty pound weights with ease putting two on the crossbar on the bench, then laid down to start pressing at least one-hundred and twenty-five pounds, but it was too easy so he added two more fifty pound weights and tried that, discovering he could easily bench press over two-hundred pounds. It was the same with the rest of the machines. Eugene estimated he could now lift five times the weight he was previously limited to, and this was after taking the Bovathol for only two days.

When Eugene got home he drank a twenty-four ounce glass of Bovathol thinking that since it was doing what it was supposed to so far, then a little bit extra wouldn’t hurt him and would only make him grow even bigger. The next morning Eugene didn’t even bother to look in the mirror and went to the kitchen and drank yet another twenty-four ounce glass of Bovathol. Then he drove into town and went to work. He impressed every one of the other employees who were astounded at how much bigger and in shape Eugene was seemingly overnight. Eugene shrugged off their nosey questions telling them:

“It was bound to happen eventually. After all, I’ve been working out seven days-a-week the past two years! But it could be my new vitamin regimen.”

By the time Eugene got off work and went into the dressing room to try on his new gym shorts and muscle tee-shirt, when he looked in the mirror the results of the extra Bovathol were clear. He was nothing less than huge and every bit as defined and ripped and bulging as all the rest of the muscle men he would no longer have to admire because today he was going to show those pipsqueaks what a real muscle man could do. When Eugene presented himself, the others hardly recognized him, and three of the muscle women stood next to the machine where Eugene was pumping iron, lifting the entire stack of weights effortlessly. Doing so pumped up his muscles which the muscle women noticed and started commenting on. They could hardly believe it when Eugene gave his name because he looked nothing like his former self, the one-hundred and twenty-five pound weakling, but even so, the muscle women were thoroughly impressed by him because at the time he was the biggest, most ripped muscle man in the gym. Eugene ended up having a threesome with two of the muscle women. The two muscle women hardly noticed Eugene was actually a virgin. He used to be anyway, but not anymore.

By this time, Eugene already drank two full bottles of the Bovathol, but now he grew obsessed with his own body and size and when a twenty-four ounce glass once a day failed to increase his size as much as he liked, he started drinking forty ounce glasses, draining almost an entire bottle in one serving, but the results were obvious, and by then, Eugene got the attention of local bodybuilding promoters and he was invited to compete with some of the world’s best, traveling to Los Angeles and Las Vegas to compete where he literally mopped the floor with the competition. He was named America’s top body builder after he tested negative for all types of steroids. By the end of the month, he was in South America for the Mister Universe competition where he stole the show.

Back home and after all that excitement, Eugene was bored and despite all the awards and his enormous bulk and bulging muscles, he still had a slight inferiority complex and still thought of himself as a weakling. Obsessed with getting even bigger, he drank the last four bottles of Bovathol one after the other, then went to bed.

The next morning Eugene felt so good that instead of driving the sixty-miles into town, he ran the distance on foot. Once in downtown Kalispell, he noticed some of the female pedestrians screamed as he ran by them, so he thought they must have been overcome by his fantastic body. When he got to the door of the gym where he worked, for some reason the thumbprint scanner that normally unlocked the door and allowed him to go inside failed to work for him. Eugene pulled hard on the locked door and the damn thing came right off its hinges, so he dropped it and went inside. But when the employees and members working out saw him, they all screamed loudly and panicked and ran away until Eugene was all alone in the gym. Then he heard police sirens pulling up outside in the parking lot. After the sirens stopped, he heard a police officer talking over the loudspeaker:

“We mean you no harm! If you can understand me, come out of the building with your hands over your head!”

Eugene was confused. Surely they weren’t talking about him, but then he was the only one in the building so who else could it be? Curious as to why everyone was afraid of him and why someone called the entire Kalispell police force to surround the gym, Eugene did something for the first time that day and looked in the mirror. What he saw was terrible.

His skin was reptile lime green. He evidently grew a third eyeball in the center of his forehead, and there were two antennas coming out of the top of his skull. His mouth was now a gaping maw filled with double rows of shark-like teeth. And on top of it all, he was five times the size of even the biggest human being, and he must have weighed over nine-hundred pounds of solid bulging muscles. It was at this juncture that Eugene remembered the alien’s warning. He evidently overdosed on Bovathol and had been transformed into a monster. There was nothing to do but go outside where the Kalispell police were waiting for him. If he was lucky they might panic and shoot him and he could go out in a hail of lead. But what if they didn’t kill him? What then? Would they capture him and stick him in a zoo?

Poor Eugene. He just wanted to feel good about himself and have a well-built body. Now there would be a story about him in the newspaper and photographs of his grotesque looking body.

Eugene had no way to know what would become of him and now it was too late to do anything about it. So he took a deep breath, put his hands over his head, and went out the gym door to give himself up. At least for the photographs...at last he was pumped and ripped.
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