New Years Resolutions or Lies We Tell Ourselves

John W. Pinkerton

Well, we’re in a new year, 2016.  We’re 17 years into the 21st Century, and I still want to begin the year with 19 instead of 20.  Old habits are hard to put aside.

I’ve never been big on new years resolutions: I just don’t do them; for most of us they’re useless.  I’ve got some bad habits I’d like to put aside, but after 73 years, what’s the point?

Being that I don’t intend to seriously make any resolutions, maybe I can create some resolutions I have no intention of fulfilling:

I resolve to become a body builder in 2016.  Do you think I might be able to bulk up at 73?  Is there an old guy weight lifting competition?


I resolve to drink more alcoholic beverages.  I used to enjoy…no, love drinking.  Some time after I retired, I lost my taste for it.  Maybe if you held a gun on me I could down a few drinks…but otherwise, it ain’t likely.

I resolve to be a kinder person in 2016.  Yeah, that’s going to happen.  After decades of being a jackass, I doubt that I’ll suddenly be Mr. Sunshine.

I resolve to learn a new skill in 2016.  That seems worthwhile, but I learned all I need to know in the first grade.  Besides what would I choose to learn?  Mandarin?  Ballet?  How to neuter mountain lions?

I resolve to learn to listen without snickering at liberals speaking.  Look, a man can only conceal so much.

I resolve to take better care of my health.  Haven’t; ain’t gonna; too damned boring.

I resolve to not waste time watching too much television in 2016.  I live in Somerville, Texas: give me a viable alternative.

I resolve to get out of the house more in 2016.  Wouldn’t be prudent.

I resolve not to make fun of folks who graduated from Texas A&M and UT.  I choose not to do this; it’s way too much fun.

I resolve in 2016 to vote for a Democrat.  Ha, ha, hee, hee, hee.  That one makes even me laugh.

I resolve in 2016 to give more money to charities…yeah, if my bank account is a charity.

Eat more healthful foods in 2016.  Bluebell is better, and besides, I theorize my body is held together by coffee, milk, and chocolate.  Beer used to be one of the secret ingredients, but I’ve substituted chocolate.

Bathe more often in 2016.  I’ll try, but my heart just ain’t in it.

Well, there’s my list of “Resolutions” I have no intentions of keeping.  As for your New Years resolutions, think about them this way: if you were capable of making your resolutions come to fruition, you probably wouldn’t have waited for the new year.


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