The Poetry of Wayne Edwards


The Casualty of Christmas is, of course, a parody. Our children learn about Santa Claus before they learn about whose birthday Christmas is. I know that we are constantly told that X is a symbol for God but isn’t that just an attempt to appease those of us who are Christians? Xmas just doesn’t quite do it for me. I’m not preaching against Santa Claus, I just think that he shouldn’t be allowed to overshadow the birthday Child.

The Casualty of Christmas

The store clerk saw the stranger,
And the sad look on his face,
As he watched Christmas shoppers
Rush around from place to place.

The next time that he saw him,
He was by the manger scene.
Some people had thrown trash there
And it wasn’t kept too clean.

Then he watched him make his way
Through the present wrapping line,
So that he could get a look
At the Merry Xmas sign.

He just stood there by the X
With a teardrop on his cheek.
The store clerk had to wonder
What this man had come to seek.

There was a look of sadness
On his face, when he would pause,
To watch the line of children
Tell how they loved Santa Claus.

And then a Blue-Light Special,
A new toy was put on sale.
Stampeding wild-eyed shoppers
Caught the stranger in their swell.

That night they found his body
Mangled by the hectic crush
Of many Christmas shoppers’
Frantic, bargain hunting rush.

What had caused the stranger’s death
On this happy Christmas Eve?
Would there be someone to care
Or would anybody grieve?

The coroner said the man
Had been trampled ‘til he died.
But had no explanation
For the knife wound in his side.

Two marks that mystified him,
And caused the coroner’s qualm,
Were the jagged puncture wounds
In the center of each palm.


The Party Before Christmas

I haven’t got the presents wrapped,
The first guests have appeared.
My kids are both hysterical,
They’ve just found Santa’s beard.

Bill’s rearranging mistletoe
From where it was before,
In hopes that he will get to kiss
The widow from next door.

They just returned my Christmas cards.
In spite of getting writer’s cramps.
I got the cards all mailed on time,
I just forgot the postage stamps!

The Christmas tree has just gone dark
I am left with serious doubt,
That even Einstein could locate
The one lone bulb that has burned out.

I’ve got to watch the eggnog bowl
For guests who think it’s not complete,
Until they’ve added one last touch,
The worst of all is Uncle Pete.

The mistletoe’s a big success
I really mustn’t be unkind
But Bill just kissed the widow twice.
She didn’t even seem to mind.

The hostess has to look her best
Is what my savvy husband said.
And now I see him standing there
With our best lampshade on his head!

At last the guests have all gone home
My husband says the words I fear,
“Christmas parties are such fun;
Let’s have another one next year!”

Well, Santa, I have not been good,
So you can save yourself a trip.
‘Cause Bill is just now getting up;
With two black eyes and a busted lip!


Mommy Smells So Good

I like the smell of candy stores
And the fresh smell of cedar wood.
But I love the smell of Mommy
‘Cause Mommy always smells so good.

When Mommy tucks me in my bed
And hugs and kisses me goodnight,
The smell she leaves behind with me
Makes all the bad things become right.

I like the smell of fresh popcorn
And Bubba’s brand new baseball glove.
But that special smell of Mommy
Can always fill my heart with love.

I liked to smell the Christmas tree
And I can still smell where it stood.
But it’s not as good as Mommy.
‘Cause Mommy always smells so good.


Parents who, days in advance of Christmas, put their children’s gifts under the tree, are practicing a special kind of torture. Surely they must remember the agony of the WAITING that they experienced as children.

The little boy in X-Ray Vision can only wish for a solution. Every boy has dreamed of flying but right now he would forgo even that pleasure just to have Superman’s x-ray vision.

  X-Ray Vision

I’d like to be like Superman
And fly around without big wings,
To have his super x-ray eyes
So I could see inside of things.

To fly around from place to place,
I think would be a major WOW.
But x-ray vision’s what I need,
It would be nice to have it now.

‘Cause there’s a great big purple box
Right there beneath our Christmas tree.
Just now, I peeked and saw the tag
I read the name and it’s for me!


Santa’s Knee

It’s once again that time of year.
The Christmas season’s really here.
A season when kids may not be
At all as good as they appear.

It’s once again that time of year,
When Moms and Dads are always right.
When kids are quick to do their chores
And never ever fuss and fight.

It’s once again that time of year,
When subtle hints are cast about.
When little kids run off to bed
Without a fuss, the lights turned out.

It’s once again that time of year,
When kids sit on old Santa’s knee
And tell him just how good they were,
And how good they intend to be!


I Don’t Make Fun of You

by Wayne Edwards

No one’s very nice to me,
And I really don’t know why.
I can’t figure out what’s wrong,
Even though I often try.

When I stop to watch and play
With the other girls and boys,
They all point and laugh at me,
And quickly hide all of their toys.

I don’t laugh at how they look;
‘Cause I don’t really care.
Even though I think it’s funny
Their hands and fingers don’t grow hair.

I surely wouldn’t tease them,
The way that they tease me;
Even though they have two eyes,
Instead of having three.

I don’t laugh at their dumb ears,
Even though they are so small.
It amazes me that they
Can hear anything at all!

The few normal looking kids,
The only ones I’ve ever seen,
Were the ones that I saw out
Hunting treats on Halloween.


It Came Knocking

by Wayne Edwards

The thing that’s knocking
On my door
Is quite ugly
And six foot four.

It has long fangs
And smelly breath.
Its looks could scare
A ghost to death!

Its eyes are red,
Its skin is green.
I sure do hope
It’s Halloween!


Halloween Story

by Wayne Edwards

I met a friendly skeleton
While I was trick or treating,
He got a ton of candy
But let me do all the eating.

He said getting candy’s fun,
That he really does adore it
But he can never eat it,
‘Cause he has no stomach for it!


Thanksgiving Dinner

by Wayne Edwards

Grandma thought turkey passé, I hear
And though it might sound a bit queer,
She served us all steaks
Made from rattlesnakes.
There’ll be lots of leftovers this year!


Change of Menu

by Wayne Edwards

The stupid bird was there again; it seemed that it was everywhere.
It poked its beak in everything and left deposits there.
Cloud Face had hunted all day long without a bit of luck.
He hadn’t seen a single goose and had missed the only duck.

He wished the stupid bird would go, he was quickly getting furious.
The irritating sounds it made at things that made it curious.
The message came the other day, inviting them to eat.
The Pilgrims would make vegetables, if they would bring the meat.

Indians, everybody knew, could track game anywhere.
He’d quickly bag a big bull moose or maybe shoot a bear.
But the stupid bird was there again with its silly clucks and gobbles,
The kids make fun of how it walks and imitate its wobbles.

At last Cloud Face had found a deer and he took careful aim,
He never saw the stupid bird or from just where it came.
If curiosity killed the cat, it sure made this bird dead.
It’s sad reward for saving Bambi, an arrow through its head.

So Cloud Face had no meat to take for this Thanksgiving Day,
But then he saw the stupid bird and a joke that he could play.
He’d get his squaw to cook the bird and take it to the feast;
That he would trick the crazy Pilgrims, no worry in the least.

The reason why we eat this bird, on Thanksgiving has been murky.
Cloud Face tried to shoot a deer; instead he got a turkey.
Just think if Deer had gotten the job, that first Thanksgiving Day,
Would Turkey then have been selected to pull old Santa’s sleigh?


Ugly Fish

by Wayne Edwards

I caught a fish
Just yesterday.
An ugly fish,
I threw away.

No one would eat
That ugly fish
If they found it
Placed on their dish

Tonight, before
I went to bed,
I drew this sketch
Of it instead!


Fishing Trip

by Wayne Edwards

A wife should let her husband have
At least one fishing trip a year.
She’d really been quick to approve;
My wife is such a thoughtful dear.

The next Sunday morning early,
I got quietly out of bed
And placed a tender loving kiss
On top my dear wife’s sleeping head.

I grabbed my trusty fishing gear,
That I had packed the night before.
I had a cup of coffee first
And then went to the kitchen door.

Thunder, lightning and rain met me.
My fishing plans were now quite dead,
So I quietly got undressed
And joined my sleeping wife in bed.

I whispered that “It’s raining hard.”
She answered as she squeezed my arm,
“Can you believe that my dumb husband
Is out there fishing in this storm?”


What Fish?

by Wayne Edwards

Well the warden had him this time,
It was way more than he could wish.
He had finally caught Old Jake
Holding a bucket full of fish.

Old Jake never bought a license,
He hadn’t ever felt the need.
There was a wife and several kids
Jake had to find a way to feed.

These were pets, he told the warden,
He’d brought them here to take a swim.
The warden had a right to doubt,
Jake always got the best of him.

Jake said, I pour them in the lake
So they can visit all their kin.
I hold the bucket when they’re done
And they all come and jump back in.

The game warden had to chuckle,
He knew this time he had Old Jake.
Jake said, “They’ll come when I whistle,”
As he poured them back into the lake.

The warden said, “Well, I’m ready,
Let’s see the fish come when you call.”
“What fish?” Old Jake asked the warden.
“I never seen no fish at all!”


Fishermen’s Lies

by Wayne Edwards

The mailman said he caught a catfish
That weighed a hundred and eighty pounds.
He bragged about his monster catfish
To everyone as he made his rounds.

Old Jake told him he caught a catfish
That was at least twenty times that big.
It had swallowed a fisherman’s boat,
His lantern and all his fishing rig.

Then he said that the fisherman’s stuff
Hadn’t been damaged one little bit.
In fact when he cut open the fish
The kerosene lantern was still lit.

The mailman said,”We’re not all that dumb.
You’re trying to hand us one big lie.
There’s no way that lantern would stay lit.
Next you’ll be telling that pigs can fly!”

Old Jake said, “Well, a fisherman’s lies
Is what this argument’s all about,
But you knock eighty pounds off your fish
And maybe I’ll blow my lantern out!”


Fishing Date

by Wayne Edwards

I took my girlfriend fishing,
It was an awful date!
We didn’t catch a single fish
‘Cause she ate all the bait!


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