The Poetry of Wayne Edwards


I Don’t Make Fun of You

by Wayne Edwards

No one’s very nice to me,
And I really don’t know why.
I can’t figure out what’s wrong,
Even though I often try.

When I stop to watch and play
With the other girls and boys,
They all point and laugh at me,
And quickly hide all of their toys.

I don’t laugh at how they look;
‘Cause I don’t really care.
Even though I think it’s funny
Their hands and fingers don’t grow hair.

I surely wouldn’t tease them,
The way that they tease me;
Even though they have two eyes,
Instead of having three.

I don’t laugh at their dumb ears,
Even though they are so small.
It amazes me that they
Can hear anything at all!

The few normal looking kids,
The only ones I’ve ever seen,
Were the ones that I saw out
Hunting treats on Halloween.


It Came Knocking

by Wayne Edwards

The thing that’s knocking
On my door
Is quite ugly
And six foot four.

It has long fangs
And smelly breath.
Its looks could scare
A ghost to death!

Its eyes are red,
Its skin is green.
I sure do hope
It’s Halloween!


Halloween Story

by Wayne Edwards

I met a friendly skeleton
While I was trick or treating,
He got a ton of candy
But let me do all the eating.

He said getting candy’s fun,
That he really does adore it
But he can never eat it,
‘Cause he has no stomach for it!


Thanksgiving Dinner

by Wayne Edwards

Grandma thought turkey passé, I hear
And though it might sound a bit queer,
She served us all steaks
Made from rattlesnakes.
There’ll be lots of leftovers this year!


Change of Menu

by Wayne Edwards

The stupid bird was there again; it seemed that it was everywhere.
It poked its beak in everything and left deposits there.
Cloud Face had hunted all day long without a bit of luck.
He hadn’t seen a single goose and had missed the only duck.

He wished the stupid bird would go, he was quickly getting furious.
The irritating sounds it made at things that made it curious.
The message came the other day, inviting them to eat.
The Pilgrims would make vegetables, if they would bring the meat.

Indians, everybody knew, could track game anywhere.
He’d quickly bag a big bull moose or maybe shoot a bear.
But the stupid bird was there again with its silly clucks and gobbles,
The kids make fun of how it walks and imitate its wobbles.

At last Cloud Face had found a deer and he took careful aim,
He never saw the stupid bird or from just where it came.
If curiosity killed the cat, it sure made this bird dead.
It’s sad reward for saving Bambi, an arrow through its head.

So Cloud Face had no meat to take for this Thanksgiving Day,
But then he saw the stupid bird and a joke that he could play.
He’d get his squaw to cook the bird and take it to the feast;
That he would trick the crazy Pilgrims, no worry in the least.

The reason why we eat this bird, on Thanksgiving has been murky.
Cloud Face tried to shoot a deer; instead he got a turkey.
Just think if Deer had gotten the job, that first Thanksgiving Day,
Would Turkey then have been selected to pull old Santa’s sleigh?


Ugly Fish

by Wayne Edwards

I caught a fish
Just yesterday.
An ugly fish,
I threw away.

No one would eat
That ugly fish
If they found it
Placed on their dish

Tonight, before
I went to bed,
I drew this sketch
Of it instead!


Fishing Trip

by Wayne Edwards

A wife should let her husband have
At least one fishing trip a year.
She’d really been quick to approve;
My wife is such a thoughtful dear.

The next Sunday morning early,
I got quietly out of bed
And placed a tender loving kiss
On top my dear wife’s sleeping head.

I grabbed my trusty fishing gear,
That I had packed the night before.
I had a cup of coffee first
And then went to the kitchen door.

Thunder, lightning and rain met me.
My fishing plans were now quite dead,
So I quietly got undressed
And joined my sleeping wife in bed.

I whispered that “It’s raining hard.”
She answered as she squeezed my arm,
“Can you believe that my dumb husband
Is out there fishing in this storm?”


What Fish?

by Wayne Edwards

Well the warden had him this time,
It was way more than he could wish.
He had finally caught Old Jake
Holding a bucket full of fish.

Old Jake never bought a license,
He hadn’t ever felt the need.
There was a wife and several kids
Jake had to find a way to feed.

These were pets, he told the warden,
He’d brought them here to take a swim.
The warden had a right to doubt,
Jake always got the best of him.

Jake said, I pour them in the lake
So they can visit all their kin.
I hold the bucket when they’re done
And they all come and jump back in.

The game warden had to chuckle,
He knew this time he had Old Jake.
Jake said, “They’ll come when I whistle,”
As he poured them back into the lake.

The warden said, “Well, I’m ready,
Let’s see the fish come when you call.”
“What fish?” Old Jake asked the warden.
“I never seen no fish at all!”


Fishermen’s Lies

by Wayne Edwards

The mailman said he caught a catfish
That weighed a hundred and eighty pounds.
He bragged about his monster catfish
To everyone as he made his rounds.

Old Jake told him he caught a catfish
That was at least twenty times that big.
It had swallowed a fisherman’s boat,
His lantern and all his fishing rig.

Then he said that the fisherman’s stuff
Hadn’t been damaged one little bit.
In fact when he cut open the fish
The kerosene lantern was still lit.

The mailman said,”We’re not all that dumb.
You’re trying to hand us one big lie.
There’s no way that lantern would stay lit.
Next you’ll be telling that pigs can fly!”

Old Jake said, “Well, a fisherman’s lies
Is what this argument’s all about,
But you knock eighty pounds off your fish
And maybe I’ll blow my lantern out!”


Fishing Date

by Wayne Edwards

I took my girlfriend fishing,
It was an awful date!
We didn’t catch a single fish
‘Cause she ate all the bait!


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