The Ol’ Double-L: a Sovereign Nation

John W. Pinkerton

My fellow countrymen have put their heads together and have come to the conclusion that the status quo is the way to go.  The House, the Senate, and the Presidency are almost identical after the 2012 election to what it was before the election.  Pardon me.  I misspoke: the Presidency is identical, not “almost” identical.  At first I was shocked.  Then I was sad.  Then I began to chuckle.

Alexis de Toqueville is attributed to having said, “In a democracy, people get the government they deserve.”  Whether he actually said it or not, he should have said it.  Frankly, those who voted for the liberal agenda deserve what they are about to receive.  I am reminded of the old saying which George Bush mangled a few years ago, “Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.”   Well, I wasn’t fooled in ‘08 nor in ‘12.  I feel that I deserve better.

While you careless voters were busy shooting yourself in the foot, you were also busy shooting me in the foot.   I kinda resented your misguided aim.

In 1845, the Republic of Texas made a strategic error by giving up its sovereignty to the United States, an error they’ve been trying to wiggle out of ever since.  It first tried to separate from the Union by joining the Confederate States of America.  It didn’t work out.  A recent petition for Texas secession has 72,500 signatures.

“Given that the state of Texas maintains a balanced budget and is the 15th largest economy in the world, it is practically feasible for Texas to withdraw from the union, and to do so would protect its citizens' standard of living and re-secure their rights and liberties in accordance with the original ideas and beliefs of our founding fathers which are no longer being reflected by the federal government.”


It will be interesting to see what the White House’s response will be.  I’m pretty sure the Federal Government will be unwilling to give up one of its prized cash cows.  On the other hand, my contributions to the Federal Treasury are minute, and my secession will probably not cause a formal response.

Yes, you heard me.  Secession.   Lately I feel as though I’ve been a passenger in a clown car.  I want out of the car.  I’m withdrawing my allegiance to the country I signed on with in ‘42.  I’m declaring myself a sovereign nation. I’ll continue to pay unto Caesar that which is Caesars, but I’ll consider it a bribe to avoid a confrontation with their thuggish clowns.

I suppose I’ll need a name for my new nation.  I think I prefer a low-profile name.  I’ve used the name “Lou” in my fantasy leagues for years.  I’ve always liked it.   My new nation shall be called, no, even better, Land of Lou.  Hey, the ol’ Double-L.  Yeah, that’s the ticket.   It’s an unassuming name much like Chad, the landlocked South African country most folks don’t even know exists.

Now, as a sovereign nation, I guess I must begin thinking in sovereign nation terms.

Up front, I’m the president.  I created the sovereign Land of Lou, so I should at least be its first president.  Now I already have a legislature and supreme court, Linda.  Enough said.

The Land of Lou was founded November 10, 2012.  At its inception it was fiscally sound thanks to a conservative policy that recognized the importance of working to make money, paying one’s bills promptly, and not purchasing crap I don’t need.  Delayed satisfaction is a basic principle of my fiscal policy.  The United States’ citizens seem to have an altogether different viewpoint.

As for the foundation of my fiscal policy, I think I should go on the gold standard.  I’ll need to start using my own currency, and without a lot of fuss and bother, I can instantly satisfy this need with gold.  It was good enough for the US until 1974 when some smart alecks in Washington decided to back their country’s money with bullshit.  How’s that working out for you?

If you continue to have an open border policy, kind of like the one you have to the South, I guess there won’t be much need to worry about traveling on your roads and highways.  Maybe I should stockpile food and water just in case you close the border.  While your border is porous, I guess I’ll continue to take advantage of your nation’s goods and services.

I suppose I should have some sort of defense policy.  Never owned a gun.  Well, yes I did.  My brother gave me one which someone promptly stole.  I guess I could buy another gun while they’re still available.  I used to feel that running through the house seminude shouting was enough to frighten imagined intruders away, but at 70, maybe a gun wouldn’t be a bad idea.

What about Lou’s policy on foreign aid?  Well, I’ve always been pretty generous with relatives and other derelicts, but I think my future policy will be in those immortal words of Nancy Reagan, “Just say no.”  I know she wasn’t speaking of foreign aid, but I was able to shoehorn it in for my purposes here anyway.

I guess I’ll need diplomatic relations with a few countries.  I guess I’ll establish relations with Israel and Great Britain.  These don’t seem to be favorites of the United States presently, and maybe my diplomatic moves toward them will cheer them up.  I think I’ll throw in Australia because they speak English and maybe Hawaii...oh yeah, they’re one of the US states now.

I suppose I’ll need a constitution just to keep me in line.  I know where there’s a perfectly good one which is hardly used anymore.  It’s been a little tarnished by folks who believe it’s a “living document” which means the interpretations of it depend on the political winds.  No political winds here, so it should do just fine.

Issues that have been big issues in the old US of A, will be minimized in LL.

Take for example the “environmental” issue.  What damned issue.  The air and water are cleaner than they’ve ever been.  You Americans did a good job, and I’ll try to keep my yard mowed.

As for you folks who see fossil fuels as the anti-Christ, when alternatives are ready for the world to use, we promise you’ll be the first to be told by the conservatives who will be making a ton of money from the new resources.  As for man-made global warming, blow it out your backside.  The land of Lou loves oil and coal and thanks the Lord for killing off those pesky dinosaurs so that we’d having something to propel our SUVs over their decayed bodies.

Some of you Americans have some social issues you seem to like to talk about a lot...a lot.  I recently heard about a war on women.  If there is a war, I’m on the women’s side.  I ain’t no damned fool.  As for women.  You have a right to birth control.  You have a right to abortions.  You have the right not to be discriminated against in the work place.  What more do you want?  One small point I’d like to differ on is that I’d rather my bribe money not be used to pay for this stuff.   Just tell me what else you want, and I’ll get it for you just as soon as I finish taking out the trash.

As for yesterday’s minorities, civil rights were settled years ago.  Your problems are no different than other Americans.  I expect it to be no different in the land of Lou.  We just won’t rehash it endlessly.

As for Hispanics.  Those of you who are US citizens are no different in the eyes of the law than anyone else.  Ditto for the Land of Lou.  Those of you who are illegal, I sympathize with your plight, but you are illegal.  I don’t think illegals will be a problem in the land of Lou.  None have tried to climb over my fence so far.

As for unions, I’m all for them in America, but not unions for government employees.  Being that there are no union members in the ol’ Double L, this isn’t a problem.

As for a drug policy, do whatever you like.  At the ol’ Double-L, we don’t do drugs, but we have no problem with ya’ll stoking up on whatever you wish in the US.  We’re a tolerant people.

If Texas is ever allowed to withdraw from the Union, I’ll consider giving up my sovereignty to the Republic of Texas.  “Consider” I say.  I don’t want to repeat the Texas error.

You’re welcome to create your own sovereign nation.  I’ll immediately recognize your new state, but please don’t try to set up a consulate in my living room.


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