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This Is an Intervention

Okay…this is an intervention.  I hope I'm not too late to save you from yourself.  If you're one of those guys who lives and dies by the fate of your football team, listen up.

First of all, you can change.  I did and I'm a happier camper for it.  In my youth, I was a fan of LSU.  I followed their every move.  I felt elated if they won and depressed if they lost.  Thinking back, I realize I wasted a lot of energy and risked my emotional well-being on this obsession.  I think the moment I liberated myself from the tyranny of being a fan was the year LSU scored more points than they had ever scored before; unfortunately, they also had the most points ever scored against them.

That's when I began to question my relationship to LSU football.  Hell, why should I care?  I went to school there, but what is my relationship to LSU football now.  I realized I don't attend the games.  More importantly, my world doesn't change when they win.  It doesn't change when they lose.  Screw that bunch of losers.

LSU won a national championship in '57.  About fifty years later, it won a second national championship.  Does that mean I'm doomed to being miserable for 49 out of 50 years and that one exception is supposed to make me feel better?  Horse manure!

They won another championship a couple of years later and then laid an egg in their fourth opportunity.  Screw that bunch of losers.

I refuse to be an unwilling captive of a bunch of guys I don't personally know.  This self-imposed slavery is ridiculous.

The first step in recovering from your addiction to “your” team are the following words: “Screw that bunch of losers.”


You must remember that when they lose, that doesn't make you a loser, and when they win, that doesn't make you a winner.

I just watched LSU dismantle Auburn.  I even caught myself cheering once.  I enjoyed the game, but realized that their winning ways probably won't last. 
They'll come up against a better team or their coach, Les Miles, will get an icicle through his brain or the quarterback will play as though he's been paid to throw the game.  Repeat after me: “Screw that bunch of losers.”

As long as they win, I'm there to say, “Geaux, Tigers.”  When they lose, “Screw you, Tigers.”  Some of you may be thinking I'm a sunshine patriot.  Absolutely!  Being a sunshine patriot has saved me from fits of depression, kicking the dog, and thinking of myself as a loser.

Grow up.  Get over it.  Just because you once passed through the hallowed halls of your alma mater doesn't mean you currently are obligated to being an avid fan of your school's football team.

The next time “your” team loses, say it loud and proud: “Screw that bunch of losers.”

I particularly feel it's necessary to address these words to my friends who are graduates of Texas University and fans of their football team.  One friend went all the way to Notre Dame to watch his team be humiliated.  Another found  little tears in the corners of his eyes when they lost by one point to California.  Okay, clear your mind and absorb the following, Tea Sips.  It has been easy to be a fan of UT football.  Over the last half century, they've won a vast number of games.  Hell, they won four national championships.  You felt great about your team.  By proxy, you felt great about yourself.  If you are addicted to Longhorn football, you haven't felt very well for a couple of years now.  As an old guy who has observed college football for over a half century, I see nothing but losing for UT for many…I repeat…many years.


Do you want to find yourself tempted to kick your dog?  Do you want to be depressed for no apparent reason?  Do you want to lose your zest for life?

Well, there is an answer to your woes.  It is contained in these few words: “Screw that bunch of losers.”

The only team I'm currently a fan of is my fantasy team.  Yeah, yeah, I know.  You think it's stupid.  I thought the same thing when I was first talked into participating with a bunch of grown men with pretend teams.  After the years, over twenty, of participation in fantasy leagues, I concluded that when I compare my fantasy team to “my college team,” my college team appears to be the greater fantasy of the two.  At least I get to choose the players on my fantasy team; I get to choose the weekly lineups; and there are financial consequences if I win or lose.  This is more than I can say about “my” college team.

Okay, I know it won't be easy surrendering your addiction.  If you need a crutch, find a fantasy league and join it.  Return to reality and save your sanity.

Start with one small step.  Repeat after me: “Screw that bunch of losers.”