Twenty-four in One

I try to have three new essays each month for oldartguy.com.  Usually this isn't a problem especially if I get out of my house for a few minutes during the month for a little stimulation.  Lord, it's a jungle out there.  However this month I haven't been out much, and so I turned to my old friend, the internet, and did a search for essay topics.  One site had a list of “How to…” topics.  I was able to write an essay, albeit brief, on each of these topics.  I didn't find any of the topics worthy of full development.

How to mow your lawn

Well, I hire my yard guy to take care of this matter.  I've hated mowing since I was a kid.  Besides, the yard guy seems to consider it a livelihood.  I give him money and then watch him mow my yard from an air conditioned house.  It works for both of us.

How to win at Texas hold 'em

Know the rules and don't play with folks inclined to bend them.

How to lose weight without losing your mind

It doesn't happen often, but when I do gain too much weight, I just quit eating.  Enough said.

How to find the perfect roommate

Found her.  Linda  is perfect in every way.  She's taken so you're on your own.

How to succeed in college

Well, duh, study.

Well, I do know you don't hold the baseball with your knuckles.  You hold it with your fingertips and don't rotate it.

How to plan the perfect party

Invite the perfect guests.

How to survive a night of babysitting

Well this is something to be avoided.  If I can't avoid it, I let my wife handle that situation.

How to pitch a tent in the rain

Been there, done that.  Thanks, Uncle Sam.  My best answer would be “in a hurry.”

How to housebreak your dog

Get a cat instead of a dog.  A little cat litter baited with catnip does the trick every time.  Dogs…well, you figure it out. 

How to kick a bad habit

Don't have a clue.  I've kept my bad habits as though they were family heirlooms.

How to overcome insomnia

I usually leave bed and drink two beers.  Works like a charm.  I even used this method to put a little dog to sleep whose yapping was keeping me awake.

Don't drink.  Who created these topics?

How to rent your first apartment

I remember our first apartment, and money solved the renting part. Renting is easy: getting your deposit back is hard.

How to avoid a nervous breakdown during exams

Well, when I was in college, my nerves were pretty steady, so that wasn't a problem even if I wasn't prepared for the exams.

How to enjoy a weekend for under $20

Borrow another $20.

How to make the perfect brownies

Get Linda to make them.  Unless you can barbecue a brownie, I don't have a clue.

How to keep peace with a spouse or a roommate

I can't speak for roommates, but for spouses, I shut up and do what I'm told.

Who ever created this topic never owned a cat.

How to complain effectively

Be armed.

How to survive a recession

Plan ahead.  Finances are not that difficult.

How to toilet train a baby

I've never had children, but I'd suggest locking them in a bathroom until they figure it out regardless of how many years it takes.

How to develop self-confidence

Only compete with inferior people.  They shouldn't be hard to find.

How to use Twitter

Don't know.  Don't care.

There.  I've given you twenty-four essays in the space most writers use for one essay.  Damned genius.   You're welcome.

enough