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God’s Water Bed
by Wayne Edwards

There were lightning flashes
And loud claps of thunder.
It filled little Petie
With both fear and wonder.
Mom said, “Pete, don’t worry,
I know it’s a fearsome sound;
But it’s just God moving
His furniture around.”
Then it started to rain;
Pete ran to Mom and said,
“Come look, I think that God
Just burst His water bed!”
Kitchen Water
by Wayne Edwards

When I wake up in the night,
I most always want a drink.
But parents in their hurry
Won’t ever take time to think.
They try to give me water
From the bathroom sink upstairs.
But I want kitchen water,
As if anybody cares.
Water Ski
by Wayne Edwards

My brother said it’s easy
To learn to water ski,
The last thing I remember
Is when he waved at me!

Toilet Water
by Wayne Edwards

Mommy uses toilet water 
When she and Dad are going out. 
She puts it on her neck and ears 
Then she sprinkles it all about.
I heard Mom say she’s running low 
Of her favorite brand, My Sin. 
So I went and got her bottle 
And filled it up for her again.
When she sprinkled some on just now 
Dad laughed so hard, I thought he’d burst. 
Mommy thanked me and then she said 
“I sure hope that you flushed it first.”
Water into Wine
by Wayne Edwards

The preacher told him, “I work for God. 
Ticket me and you’ll go to Hell.” 
But the policeman asked the preacher, 
“Isn’t that alcohol I smell?”
The preacher said, “It’s just water.” 
The policeman said, “It smells like gin.” 
“Son, you’ve witnessed a mircacle!
It looks like He’s done it again!”
Fly Hunter

“What did you do all day?” she asked,
Expecting one of his usual lies.
Her smart-alecky spouse answered,
“Oh, I spent the day killing flies!”
“Were you a successful hunter?”
She asked, very sarcastically.
“I killed four males and two females,”
He said, enthusiastically.
“How could you tell their sex?” she asked,
With skepticism in her tone.
“Four were on my empty beer can
And two were on the telephone!”
Lousy Sailor

I was asked to be guest speaker
For a ladies’ cooking group.
They wanted me to speak on sex
Then join them afterwards for soup.
If my wife found out my topic.
I’d be in for hours of railing,
To avoid a lousy evening
I told her I’d speak on sailing.
A lady friend told her next day,
“Your husband’s lecture was real nice.”
“I don’t know how,” she told her friend,
“’Cause he has only done it twice!”

She was in a friend’s boat,
Just reading a book,
When the warden rowed up
To get a close look.
“May I see your license?”
He asked the young lady.
She quickly could see
His intentions were shady.
She said, “I’m not fishing,
I’m just out here reading,”
Though she had little doubt
Where his questions were leading.
“There’s a rod in your boat
And some fishing lures too,
With all that equipment
I will have to cite you.”
The lady said sweetly,
“If that’s your assessment,
I will file a complaint
For sexual harassment.”
The warden said quickly,
“That’s certainly not true.
I’ve stayed in my boat
And I haven’t touched you!”
“They’re your rules,” said the lady,
“That you seem to think fair.
You’ve made no advances
But the equipment’s all there.”
Nowadays we have a lot of denominations telling us that what we read in the Bible is not necessarily what God meant. They say that things are different in our modern day and that a loving God would certainly change with modern society’s needs. My Bible says that God does not change, that he is the same yesterday, today and forever. Those who write their own interpretation of the Bible, changing God’s gender or the sexual orientation of some of the Bible’s most loved characters, are certainly not divinely inspired. They ignore the warning God gives us in Revelations, 22:18. God’s food for our souls, unlike food for our bodies, has no expiration date.
Expiration Date

People think that things have changed 
Since the Holy Book was written. 
They say that God has changed his mind 
Since His only Son was smitten.
They say that hell is just a myth 
Because their God is much too kind. 
To justify their favorite sin, 
They claim the Scripture’s mis-defined.
Some try to change the Holy Text 
To soothe troubled conscience questions. 
Convinced the Scriptures’ Ten Commandments 
Are really, onlyTen Suggestions.
To keep up with the modern times, 
The laws once carved in solid stone 
Can, as of now, all be ignored, 
With sins no longer to atone.
The Scripture calls these people fools, 
Who wager their eternal fate. 
I’ve checked the Bible through and through, 
It has no expiration date!
Before TV, we had to use our imaginations to supply our own mental pictures while listening to radio programs. There was a program called You Were There, in which a modern day reporter covered famous times in history. There was also a program called,The Greatest Story ever Told, which was a dramatization of popular Bible stories. In Adam, I’ve let my imagination run wild and have given a modern twist to a well known Bible story.
For instance, what did Adam really think about having to give up body parts to have a mate? I hope I don’t lose any of my women readers over this one. 
Most of my poems have a moral somewhere in them, but even I can’t find one in Adam.

When God first made man from the dust and the dirt, 
He made him no partner with whom he could flirt. 
He made him a garden, with critters and plants, 
But God saw no need to make Adam pants.
He was happy alone, according to story, 
As he sat about naming the whole inventory. 
With no one to see, he thought it not rude, 
To stroll through the garden alone in the nude.
And when he had company, it was just his friend God, 
Who seemed not to mind as they talked and they trod. 
No clock and no calendar, such a wonderful place, 
He never once worried about gender or race.
And with only one sex, there were none to harass, 
Nor did Donkey complain, when he called him an ass. 
So naming the animals in God’s great creation, 
Took all Adam’s time, his sole occupation.
His pay was not good but he didn’t care. 
Thus he became first to live on welfare. 
His life was so simple and happy and free. 
Everything was for him, except that one tree.
So why should he want to mess with his fate? 
Why wasn’t he stopped ‘fore it was too late? 
The serpent I’m sure had something to do, 
With Adam discovering that one was too few.
That night when they took their walk in the garden, 
Adam took courage, and begging God’s pardon, 
Said “God can’t you make someone for my sake, 
With the beauty and grace and the legs of the snake?” 
For we read that the snake was a beautiful creature, 
Who walked up aright and to Adam a teacher. 
“Now things could be better, my life’s not a toot. 
You know that I have to pick my own fruit.”
“You only come evenings, to walk when it’s cool. 
My days get so lonely, as I lay by the pool.” 
Now God was excited and started to plan, 
A most wondrous partner to help his first man.
And when they next walked, He told of His dream, 
Such a wonderful being, they’d make a great team, 
Created to serve but with beauty so great. 
Not one of God’s creatures would have such a mate.
A sweet disposition, a most wondrous soul, 
Who never would question the first man’s control. 
Then God made a statement that caused Adam dread. 
He couldn’t believe what God had just said.
“Flesh of your flesh and bone of your bone”, 
God guaranteed a most wonderful clone. 
But how would he get that flesh and that bone? 
“Just wait up there God, now just hold the phone!”
“Just what will it cost for this lovely creature? 
Do I need the best model, do I need every feature?” 
Now God set a price, recorded in history, 
The origin of which is no longer a mystery.
“I can’t make a human like a bird from an egg. 
This lady will cost you an arm and a leg.” 
Now Adam our ancestor was father to Jew. 
He knew that to bargain was what he must do.
So Adam’s next question changed history right then; 
Considered by some the original sin. 
It caused Women’s Suffrage and then Women’s Lib. 
“Now God tell me what can I get for a rib?” 
Don’t Play with Your Food

My mother thinks I’m silly
For playing with my food.
She says to see me do it
Puts her in a terrible mood.
Some kids I know have puppies,
One has talking parrots.
But I’d rather spend my time
With tomatoes, corn and carrots.
My mother thinks I’m silly
But I don’t care at all.
‘Cause my veggie friends and I
Are heading off to play baseball!
Food Play

Sometimes when I’m happy 
And in a playful mood, 
I like to do fun things 
Creative with my food.
So when I learn to talk 
The first thing that I’ll say, 
“I want some food to eat 
And some food just for play!”
Cafeteria Food

The best food that I ever ate 
Was food I had one day at school 
I liked the green and slimy stuff 
And all the yellow lumpy gruel.
I licked the saucer and the bowl 
And made it shiny clean as new 
And then they filled it up again 
With some really smelly stew.
**You shouldn’t take your dog to school 
I surely won’t do it again 
The food that Spot thought was so great 
All came out of the garbage bin! 
Food Pong

I think it’s fun to play with food,
But it makes my mommy mad.
“Stop playing with your food,” she says,
“Or I’m going to tell your dad!”
Today I made a little mess
On the ceiling, walls and floor.
Mommy didn’t look too happy
As she wiped food off the door.
“What did you do to make this mess?
I wasn’t gone so very long!”
I told her, as she cleaned it up,
That I was playing Food Ping-Pong.
Alligator Food

I was going to pick some fruit
From my grandfather’s apple tree.
I was carrying a bucket
And I was whistling happily.
As I walked by Grandpa’s stock pond,
I noticed lots of water swirls.
I knew from all the piles of clothes
I’d found some skinny-dipping girls.
It wasn’t long a head appeared,
Then two more and then another.
One girl hollered, “If you don’t leave,
We’re going to tell your mother!”
I told them I would gladly leave
But I’d have to come back later.
I held my bucket up and said
“It’s time to feed the alligator!”
Funny Face
by Wayne Edwards

I like to make a funny face 
To see how funny I can be. 
I like to do it most of all 
When Dad takes photographs of me.
He sets us kids all in a row 
And says that we should all say cheese. 
That’s when I make the kind of face 
That Grandma says, one day will freeze.
Dad always says when I get big 
And bring a date over for tea, 
That he will get our album out 
And show him photographs of me.
Well if it’s Jim or Bob or Bill 
Or even if it’s Stan or Drew. 
It’s not going to bother me 
‘Cause they make funny faces too. 
Big Bears Can’t Climb Trees
by Wayne Edwards

A great big ugly bear 
Was coming after me. 
Great big bears can’t climb, 
So I went up a tree.
Big bear clawed and growled, 
I was in the best of places; 
So I threw limbs at him, 
And made funny faces.
Big bear went away, 
As mad as he could be. 
I was very comfortable 
Up in my pin oak tree.
Great big bear came back, 
Brought a little bear with him. 
Little bears can climb; 
I hid out on a limb
Big bear left again; 
Things are looking grim. 
Big bear just came back; 
He brought a beaver with him! 
The Kissing Tree
by Wayne Edwards

I’d rather play tag with an old toothless hag 
Than to kiss the freckle-faced boy. 
I would rather eat slop with pickles on top 
Than to sit by stupid Leroy.
The girls all like Bob who I think is a snob 
With his nose stuck up in the air, 
And if it is true, what I just heard from Sue, 
He sleeps with a pink Teddy Bear.
But it won’t take me long to say that you’re wrong 
When you claim I like Stinky Stan. 
And as for Jack Jones, who is just skin and bones, 
He can’t run as fast as I can.
But the boy that I like, let’s just call him Mike, 
Is funny and handsome and tall… 
And if he chased me to the old kissing tree 
I wouldn’t run too fast at all! 
Consider the Grasshopper
by Wayne Edwards

Consider the grasshopper; 
She not here to please. 
She eats all our flowers 
And the leaves from our trees.
In story she’s lazy 
She won’t gather or store. 
She eats for today, 
Thinking there’s always more.
Her main benefit, 
I think there’s no doubt, 
Is food for the birds 
And as bait to catch trout.
Her legs launch her quickly, 
In her flights through the skies, 
Her ears are quite funny 
‘Cause they’re on her thighs!
If our ears were like that, 
How embarrassing, I fear, 
If we had to tell secrets 
In that kind of ear.
Green Alligator
by Wayne Edwards

I have a little white rabbit
And a dog that dances a jig,
A hamster that lives in a bird cage
And a funny little brown pig.
Oh yes, and before I forget,
I have a green alligator
That sleeps most wherever it likes
But mostly on Mom’s ‘frigerator.
Now alligators have big teeth
And alligators love to bite.
But most of all, alligators
Are known for their big appetite.
Susie was proud of her rabbit
And John liked to brag on his pig.
Henry bought a cage for his hamster
And Paul loved his dog that could jig.
My alligator licked his chops
Because he was one hungry beast.
He thought all the pets were scrumptious.
His belly showed he’d had a feast.
Now I have a pet white rabbit
And a dog that dances a jig,
A hamster that lives in a bird cage
And a funny little brown pig.
At first you may not see my pets
‘Cause they’re all in my alligator,
Asleep in his favorite spot
On top of Mom’s ‘frigerator.
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