We Call Our Daddies Daddy

John W. Pinkerton

oldjwpinkerton@gmail.com

I recently watched George Carlin take shots at Southerners by making fun of Southern white men

who refer to their fathers as their “daddies.”  He refers to these Southerners as “rebel”…how can I say this without offending anyone… “rebel…anuses.”  Now, I have always admired George Carlin as a comedian: he's a brilliantly funny man, and it goes against my Southern tendency to be courteous to criticize George for his not-very-well-thought-out statement.

I guess we could call our “daddies” and “mommas” “rebel anuses.”

It's not just George who seems to dismiss Southern white fellows.  I don't know when it happened, but somewhere along the line, folks in the North and East and West beyond the mountains, declared open season on Southern white men: in fact, they've been placed on the    “Shoot 'em When You See 'em List.”  Definitely, Southern men have been denied the privilege of being part of the Politically Correct Endangered List.

Ah, shucks, George, I deeply apologize if us Southern boys have offended your delicate sensitivities.  We try to avoid such offenses and do humbly submit the following to assuage your discomfort.

George, I don't mean this as an insult to your Northern education, but it's apparent that you aren't well versed in our nation's Presidential history as some of us in the South are.  A few of us good ol' boys have achieved the lofty position of the Presidency in spite of our obvious shortcomings.

George Washington was from Virginia as well as Thomas Jefferson,  James Madison, James Monroe

and John Tyler.  Andrew Jackson and James J. Polk were of the state of Tennessee.  We even went into the Deep South and chose Zachary Taylor from Louisiana.  We went into Georgia to pick Jimmy Carter.  From Texas we chose Lyndon B. Johnson, George H. W. Bush, and George W. Bush.  Heck, we even went into the hills of Arkansas for Bill Clinton, and if you Northerners aren't really careful, you may elect another President from Texas in 2016.  Even if you choose to characterize these fellows as “rebel anuses,” enough people thought enough of them to elect them to be our leaders even though I suspect some of them might have referred to their mothers and fathers as “mommas” and “daddies.”

Even our great President, Barack Obama, referred to folks---and I must assume most of those folks lived in the South and across the prairies of the West---as those who “cling to guns or religion.”  I don't think he meant that in the nicest way and would probably agree with George's analysis that the South is composed of “rebel anuses.”

I'm a little at a loss as to how to defend these Southerners, these clingers to guns.  Shoot, I grew up with guns: a nice boy's single shot .22 and a youngster’s 410 shotgun: in the South, these are the equivalent to bicycle training wheels and yo-yos for boys in the North.  Since I've been placed on the Shoot 'em When You See 'em List, I've thought it prudent to acquire  a nice, hefty grownup handgun.  I guess our penchant for firearms is the reason Southern boys seem to volunteer for military service at a higher rate than the rest of the country.  I must admit that Southern boys seem to have a penchant for blowing stuff up. Well, I guess it's just an unfortunate truth that our doggone army uses guns---big ones---and blows things up.  Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Louisiana provide the highest recruit to population ratio for military service followed by the other Southern States and the states across the great prairie.  The Midwest and the Pacific States

were next down the ladder.  The Middle Atlantic states such as New York, your home, George, and Pennsylvania and the New England States came in dead last.  Bless you Yankees: somebody has to do the knitting.  The “rebel anuses” will continue to defend your right to continue your knitting…you may even  knit an American flag, bless your heart.

Now, George, I suspect you're not real big on religion, and I have to admit that I don't often darken the door of a church, but my fellow Southerners do.  Being born in Manhattan, I can imagine your confusion about Southerners who believe in a supreme being greater than themselves.   We're just poor rebel anuses here in the South who can hardly measure up to a New Yorker.  I did a little research and found that nine of the top ten states rated as very or moderately religious are in the South.  You got us: you're right.  You folks in New England are the most self-reliant, godless Americans in the country.  Virginia and Florida were Confederate states, but they long ago were overrun by carpetbaggers, bless their hearts.

Perhaps, what's wrong with Southern men is that they have shrunken egos as evidenced by their respect for their “mommas” and “daddies,” their willingness to sacrifice themselves for a cause greater than themselves, and, most unbelievable of all, their belief in an invisible being greater than themselves.  No wonder you Yankees, like George, call us “rebel anuses.”

Yep, we're an inferior lot who undoubtedly will continue to say, “Yes, Ma’am” and “Thank you” and open doors for strangers.  I fear that's just who we are.

In spite of ya'll calling us rebel “anuses,” we like you Yankees: you provide us with many smiles and outright belly laughs; so because we like ya'll, we're going to give you a helpful little tip: quit betting on your Yankee football teams in the bowl games.

enough