A Space Alien Predicts the Election
The other day my evil twin brother, Mic the Knife, came running into my house all excited. He said “You will never believe what happened to me last night.”
I asked him to have a seat, went and got both of us a beer, secretly turned on my tape recorder (there is a tad bit of evil in me also) and asked him, “What happened?”
Here is how it went, with comments from me in parentheses.
“Well, I was throwing my knives under a full moon when I heard a noise behind me. I immediacy whirled around pulling out my pistol and best throwing knife ready to do battle!” (Sure he did and I have beautiful women drop by to play poker with me. Wait, wait, that is actually true!) The knife and the gun flew out of my hands into his, her or its. So, as cool as a cucumber (yeah, right) I asked, “What are you? A he, she or it?”
It replied, “I don’t think it matters, but I am a space alien shape changer and have appeared to you as an it.”
“Why an it?” Mic asked.
“Well if I would have appeared as a beautiful woman, you would not listen to me, concentrating on how to pick me up. (So true…) If I would have appeared as a he, you would have shot me. But since I look as an it, you hesitated long enough so I could teleport your gun and knife to me.”
Mic then responded, “If you are a space alien, that makes you an illegal alien and I can have you deported. What have you to say about that?” (Mic is not very bright….)
The alien said, “Yes, and I can turn you into the lowest of all creatures, a politician!”
This of course struck abject fear into Mic, but he recuperated enough to ask, “Why are you here? Are there more of you? Are you going to conquer or destroy mankind?” (Mic also isn’t very politically correct.)
The space alien said, “No, we love you guys because you are so funny in an insane way. Many different alien groups visit your planet just for entertainment.”
Mic became angry and said, “What are you talking about? We are very intelligent and totally logical! Give me just one example of us being insane, illogical or funny!”
The space alien laughed and said, “Your Presidential candidates are a perfect example.”
(For once Mic the Knife was speechless having no intelligent and logical come back.) So Mic added , “OK, then why are you here?”
“Because I want to tell you who will win the election.”
“Why would you do that?”
Then the space alien changed into an old lady and replied, “Because I actually am a she and I think you are quite handsome and very sexy and wanted to share my knowledge with you.” (Yeah, right. I am sure he made that last part up because anyone who knows Mic know he is quite ugly and totally unsexy!)
So Mic then said “OK, OK, who is going to win?”
“Trump.”
Mic yelled, “What, are you nuts? There is no way! All the experts say it will be very difficult for him to win. What an idiot!”
“Who, me or Trump?”
“Both, defend yourself! Explain why he will win!”
The space alien then turned into a wolf and said, “First is the misogynist issue. Hillary has brought it up and Trump will run with it. You see, it is true he has a tendency to speak ugly about women he doesn’t like, but if you look at what the women who have, or are, working for him, you will see they think very highly of him. But worse, this now allows him to go after Hillary’s husband’s behavior. Even worse than that, it allows him to show her complicity in putting those women down and even threatening them. In the end, which is worse, calling women names or physically abusing, debasing, and threatening them? This is a loser issue for the Clintons.”
So I replied, “Well maybe, but Blacks and Latinos hate him because of his stance on immigration and defending the police, so there!”
“This is also a winning issue for him. You see the Elites in both parties and the Media seem to believe all Blacks and Latinos think and react the same, but they don’t. Many Latinos and Blacks agree with him on immigration and are especially fearful of immigrants from the Middle East. His message on the plight of Blacks under Democrat rule rings true to many of them, and others are desperate to have school choice for their children. The fact is that he is doing better with Blacks than any other Republican in the last thirty years. Some polls have him as high as 29%. The best any of the others have been able to get is 9%. Polls suggest he will get better than 30% and maybe even into the 40’s with Latinos.”
“OK, but how about this, the Republican Leadership, Democratic Leadership and all the Media hate him and are constantly telling us how horrible and unfit he is. So, how do you respond to that?”
The alien then turned herself into a little boy and said,“You earthlings have a saying, ‘The enemy of my enemy is my friend.’ Many, if not most, of the common Democrats don’t trust and or like the Democratic leadership. Most of the Republicans don’t trust or like the Republican leadership. Everyone hates the Media. (A Rasmussen Survey showed only 29% of voters trust the Media’s fact checkers.) The more they put down Trump the more the common person will take a look at him. Many are so angry that they will vote for anyone just to shake up Washington and the Elite Establishment.”
“OK, Little Smarty-pants, do you have any other reasons that would make you think this deplorable man (Apparently Mic doesn’t like Trump) could win? If so I would like to hear them.”
“Sure, here are two reasons, enthusiasm of the candidates’ followers and perceptions of strong leadership.”
“Trump’s followers are fired up and ready to vote, but many of Hillary’s followers are depressed and very likely won’t vote. For instance, if 52 percent of the people favor Hillary over Trump and 48 percent favor Trump, Hillary should win. Right?”
Mic responded, “Right! So there!”
The space alien then continued, “However, what about turnout. Let’s say between Trump and Hillary there are one hundred million people. Of those, 52 million are for Hillary and 48 million are for Trump. Looks good for Hillary until you consider voter turnout. Of the 52 million for her, 45 percent actually vote, giving her a total of 23.9 million votes. On the Trump side, 50 percent vote for him, giving him 24 million votes. The enthusiasm of Trump’s and depression of Hillary’s voters could make this possible. Now who wins?”
“I am not very good at math (boy is that an understatement) but it sounds like Trump would win.”
The space alien continued, “As for leadership: Trump has a perception, true or not, of a bold strong leader who will get things done while Hillary is perceived as weak, partially due to perceived health issues, and cautious, looking for consensus before acting.”
“Well that is good for Hillary because the Media and the Elitists say that Trump’s bull headedness will get us in a war, be it trade or actual. Threatening to blow the Iranian ships out of the water is an example. So there!”
“Ah, but that is the problem with the Elitists view. The common man knows that if a strong man goes after a bully, the bully tends to back down, particularly if the man is bigger and stronger. This goes for countries as well as people, so showing strength lessens the chance for either a trade or a real war.”
“Also both men and women look for strength in a leader in times of uncertainty. So the Elitists are wrong and that is why they are not getting traction.”
Mic then explained to the poor misguided space alien,“Well, Obama is popular and Hillary will be continuing his legacy. What do you have to say that, Little Smarty-Pants!”
The shape changing space alien turned into a seven-foot-tall Greek warrior, glared at Mic and said, “Careful, little man, you should learn to be civil.”
Mic told me, “I backed up reached for a knife and then thought the better of it.” (In reality he was probably quaking in fear.)
The space alien continued. “Obama is slightly more popular than unpopular, but his policies are very unpopular. Be it immigration, trade, riots due to Black Lives Matter or foreign policy, the people are looking for change. Trump represents change.”
According to Mic, the shape changing alien then turned into a beautiful woman, sexily smiled at him and said “Capiche? Most adorable old man.” (Yeah and I am a multi-billionaire.)
For the second time Mic became speechless, shook with desire, then got a grip of himself and said, “Well, you could be wrong!”
The beautiful alien then said, “Careful old man, remember I am a she and even you know that it is very dangerous to tell a woman she might be wrong!”
Then Mic asked, “Why do you want Trump to win?”
The space alien replied, “We couldn’t care less who wins. You earthlings will still be just as amusing to watch. It’s just we know how you think and how emotional you are.”
She then disappeared.
Mic asked me, “Do you think the space alien might be right?”
I said, “Now? Who knows? But we all will know shortly.”
As Mic got up to leave, he asked me who I would vote for?
I replied, “You, Mic, I might as well help verify the space alien’s opinion of us earthlings. Where are you going?”
“I’m going to the Shipwreck to try to talk to one of those beautiful ladies to marry me.”
Some things never change…. After Mic left I got up, put on my “I Was Deplorable Before It Was Cool” T-shirt and went outside to throw some knives.
enough