Bingo Night #3
I recently hosted another bingo night in the senior community where we live. Actually I’m not sure hosted is the right description. It was more like I called the numbers. As I have done in the two previous events, I added some jokes between games that I located through various internet sites. Seniors do enjoy a good laugh, especially when the humor pertains to their age group.
Following are a few of the jokes that I told, written without punctuation to make it easier plus I don’t want to receive a bad grade from John (who was my English teacher in high school) if I did anything incorrectly.
A group of senior citizens who live in a retirement home were discussing their various ailments at breakfast one morning. One of them said my arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee. Another one said my cataracts are so bad I can barely see my coffee. One said I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck. Another one said my blood pressure medicine is making me dizzy. One of the men said I guess this is the price we pay for getting old. A woman in the group said yeah, but thank God we all can still drive.
An elderly woman is on trial for stealing a can of peaches from a store that prosecutes all shoplifters. She’s found guilty and is standing before a very tough judge for sentencing. The judge asks her how many peaches were in the can and she said 6 your honor. The judge says in that case you will go to jail for 6 days, 1 day for each peach. Her husband who is in the courtroom stands up and says your honor I think she also stole a can of peas.
98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was at the end of her life and several nuns were at her bedside trying to make her as comfortable as possible. They gave her a glass of warm milk but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembered a bottle of Irish whiskey that was received as a Christmas gift. She poured a generous amount of whiskey into the milk and took the glass back to Mother Superior. She drank a little of it, then a little more and before you know it she had finished the whole glass. One of the nuns said Mother can you share any words of wisdom before you leave us? Mother Superior propped herself up in the bed and said yes, don’t sell that cow!
This woman was married and had 5 children. Her husband died and she remarried and had 3 more children. Her second husband died and she married again and had 2 more children. Her third husband died and she eventually passed away. At her funeral the preacher was standing by her coffin and said thank you God for this loving woman and watch over her now that they’re finally together. After the service one of the women asked her husband when the preacher said they’re finally together do you think he meant her first, second or third husband? Her husband said I think he meant her legs.
This woman who was very frugal goes into a local newspaper office to place an obituary for her recently deceased husband. The editor tells her that the cost is $.50 a word. The woman says in that case just have it read John Brown died. The editor tells her I’m sorry but there is a 7 word minimum. The woman thinks for a few seconds and says okay, have it read John Brown died, 1995 pickup for sale.
An elderly couple goes to visit their grandson in California. While shaving one morning the grandfather sees a bottle of Viagra in the medicine cabinet. That evening after dinner he tells his grandson about finding the Viagra and that for a long time he wanted to try it. The grandson was reluctant to give him a pill not knowing what side effects could occur for a person his age. He tries to explain to his grandfather different reasons why he shouldn’t have the drug and he says besides those pills cost $8 a piece, but his grandfather was very persistent so he gave him one pill. The next day after work the grandson finds $108 laying on his bed. He goes and asks his grandfather why he left so much money. The grandfather says oh, I only left $8, the $100 is from your grandmother.
enough