Brazos Valley Peace Officers Fight the Zombies
Sheriff Kirk Johnson met with Deputy Sheriffs Mike Ireland and Scott Hanson, two of his finest deputies, to discuss some information given to him by the FBI. It seems they had uncovered a terrorist plot to send genetically altered zombies to Brazos County to wipe out the residents of of the county and destroy the Bush Library.
The FBI had said their information, which came from the CIA, was that the zombies' heads were invincible, and, therefore, bullets to the brain, or anything else, would not stop them. The FBI had no solutions, and therefore told Sheriff Johnson that he needed to evacuate the county three months from now.
He also mentioned that there was a reprobate who sometimes worked for the CIA who might have the solution because he had traveled throughout the region fighting terrorists and, being weird like he was, also learned to read Sanskrit and studied ancient manuscripts on Zombies. Unfortunately they could not find him. They had reason to believe he might live in Texas.
Sheriff Johnson told Mike and Scott that they were his best, so if anyone could solve the problem, it would be them. Scott asked for more information on the reprobate. Kirk said, “He is an older man who likes to flirt with beautiful young girls (hell, any beautiful woman who would listen to him), and he has exceptional skills with the bow and arrow and knife throwing. Oh, and one other thing, he always tries to get Dos Equis for the price of a Miller Lite.”
Mike and Scott looked at each other grinning and then said to Sheriff Johnson, “We have an idea; can you give us some time to explore it?” Sheriff Johnson said they had three months because intelligence said that is when the terrorists were expected to bring in the zombies.
After they left the meeting, Mike and Scott looked at each other, and both said at the same time, “Mic the Knife! Let's go find that rascal!” After the Boot Knife incident there was some tension between them and Mic the Knife, but it was almost impossible to stay mad at that degenerate, and before long they were all fast friends again. They even got the city council to change the ordinance so he could now carry his pocket knives---but no boot knife nor screwdrivers.
Because he could no longer carry the screwdriver, he had decided to give up being a cat burglar. That didn't bother him because cats don't have anything of resalable value, mostly the bones of dead snakes, birds and mice. He would tell people that these bones were of extinct animals and make up names for them, but most people didn't buy it. In fact, he often wondered how the other cat burglars made a living.
Well, Mike and Scott knew where to find him, at the Shipwreck, because it was Thursday, and he was always there on Thursdays. Sure enough, he was and was in the process of trying to convince the Wondrous Rachel to marry him. Of course she said yes...right after the first colonists landed on the moon.
Scott said, “Mic the Knife, we need to talk to you about zombies.” Mic's eyes lit up and he said, “One of my favorite subjects!” They asked him if he knew anything about genetically modified zombies of ancient times, and he said. “Mai oui!”
For those of you who are not world travelers, Mai oui! is French for mai desigur which is Romanian for pero por supuesto which is Spanish for “but, of course” in English, more or less.
Anyway, the three of them got beers and went out on the patio to discuss zombies. Mike asked Mic what he knew about genetically modified zombies from ancient times. Mic said, “When I was doing undercover work against ISIS, I was trying to get to Afghanistan. I learned to speak an Old Indo-Aryan dialect which, in written form, is Sanskrit. I came upon an ancient manuscript about these zombies. One of the manuscripts gave the formula of a poison that could destroy them if it pierced their skin. I memorized the formula because there was a man who was there before me and stole a set of the manuscripts concerning how to create these zombies.”
Scott told Mic about the concern of the FBI and asked why he hadn't said anything to them? Mic said, “Well, when I finished my mission in Afghanistan and got back to the states, the CIA was very angry with me for being gone so long and said they were dismissing me, no longer wanting to do business with me. So I thought to myself, ‘Too bad for you guys,’ and kept the information to myself.”
Mike asked Mick, “Can you reproduce the poison?”
Mick responded, “Of course and I did. Interestingly it is the exact formula for Dos Equis beer, but it can only be activated by someone who speaks the Old Indo-Aryan dialect, and the words of activation in English are ‘I would like a Dos Equis for the price of a Miller Lite.’ Also the only way it can destroy the zombies is when the zombies are pierced by a sharp object. Gunpowder neutralizes the poison.”
Scott said, “Then I guess the Bryan Police and Sheriff’s Deputies are going to have to learn to become proficient in knife throwing and archery.”
So Mike and Scott went to the Sheriff and asked him if he would make Mic the Knife an honorary informant of the Sheriff's department (Deputy Sheriff was out of the question because he is such a reprobate) so he could teach them the skills.
Mike and Scott got 15 Deputy Sheriffs to volunteer to train with the bow and learn to be proficient in “no-spin” knife throwing. They then went to the Bryan Police department and got 15 more volunteers. Meanwhile the barmaids of the Shipwreck said they wanted to volunteer too. Mike and Scott had reservations about this, but Mic the Knife said they could train and be with him (always thinking about beautiful young ladies, that Mic the Knife).
It was decided that Scott would be in charge of the operation. He broke the team into four squads. He was in charge of 10 of the Bryan police; Mike was in charge of 10 of the Deputy Sheriffs; Darienne, Queen of the Archers, had 5 from the Sheriff's department and 5 Bryan policemen under her charge. At first they did not want to be with her, but after they saw her shoot the bow, that changed immediately.
Mic the Knife? His squad consisted of Christina of the North, Jandi of the Wondrous Smile, CZ of the Pistol, Courtney the Happy, Wondrous Rachel, Jessica of the Beautiful Shoulders and his two dogs. These are Ziva the Fantastic and Kahr the Little. Ziva is half Sheppard and half Rottweiler. She could easily leap and rip out a zombie's throat. Kahr is a rat terrier. He could not reach the throat but is superb at leaping and ripping off that which no man ever wants ripped off.
Mic the Knife suffered greatly for the cause, you see, since he was the only one who could activate the poison. He would have to go to the Shipwreck every day, ask for Dos Equis for the price of a Miller Lite and then drink half the beer. The barmaids would then soak the arrow tips and knives in the remainder. This was painful for him because he would have to drink a lot of beer, and as everyone knows, he would usually drink only one beer a day. What about the dogs? They were to lap up some beer, attack a zombie and then come back to lap up some more.
The FBI told Sheriff Johnson that their intelligence said 250 zombies would be dropped off on Bobby Gutierrez's ranch during the dark of the moon in December. Bobby was informed and, being the patriot that he is, said he would do whatever he needed to make the plan work. Scott told him to get the Longhorns off the pastures for that night.
Scott's plan was to have each of the squads spread out in the East, West, South and North part of the pasture.
Everyone took their places and lay down waiting for the arrival of the zombies. Each was issued night goggles (except the dogs). At midnight 6 huge black Chinook helicopters landed in the pasture and let out the zombies plus 5 of their handlers, who were ISIS agents.
Scott waited until the helicopters flew off and the zombies started to move; he then shot a flair into the air. Immediately all four squads jumped up and began shooting the arrows dipped in the Dos Equis beer. Once they ran out of arrows, they charged toward the zombies throwing their knives of which each had four throwing knives and a hand-to-hand combat knife (also dipped in Dos Equis).
What a sight to behold as these brave people attacked the zombies! Ziva would rip out a throat and run back to lap up more beer. Kahr would rip off that which no male wants ripped off and then go back to lap up more beer.
The barmaids---ah those beautiful barmaids---they were magnificent, fighting like fearless banshees! Their archery and knife throwing were beyond perfect and they handled the hand-to-hand knife fighting such as to make a Navy Seal envious. When it was all over, every one of the zombies and all of their handlers were dead. Scott regrouped the peace officers and the barmaids to make sure everyone was accounted for. Everyone was there except Mic the Knife and the dogs. Scott and Mike looked at each other and smiled because they knew the CIA was still trying to find him (something about not returning a large sum of money).
Needless to say the group of magnificent men and women became heroes and heroines (can't help it, I'm old) all across the country. So what became of them? The peace officers were all promoted and made money giving speeches throughout the land. Mike was elected Governor of Texas. The Feds put Scott in charge of training police officers all over the country on how to fight this type of zombie. All the barmaids became famous and idolized by Feminists everywhere. Several became TV stars, starring in the famous TV show Mic's Angels.
Mic the Knife? Mike and Scott told the Feds that they had found the real Mic the Knife on a ranch in Burleson County and that he was totally cooperative, developed the poison and trained all in archery and knife throwing. Right after the battle he disappeared and no one knows where he went to.
He has never been found to this day, but some say if you go to the Shipwreck on a Thursday night you may see an older man with long hair and a beard wearing a broad brimmed hat or a head band sitting at the top of the bar, and don't be surprised if he orders a Dos Equis for the price of a Miller Lite….
enough