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I’m Calling about Your Timeshare

by Gene Miller


Telephone solicitations are a pain! Particularly, the “repeat offenders.” It seems like I have been getting calls about “Your Timeshare” every other day.  Problem is…I don’t have a timeshare, never had a timeshare and don’t want a timeshare!

Last week I got a call from a young man who said, “Is
this Robert Miller? (Only the government and telemarketers call me Robert.).  I mistakenly said “yes,” and he was off and running. This pitch was about the “upcoming meeting of our timeshare members about the outrageous management fees.” I explained to him for the third time that, “I don’t have a timeshare, never had a timeshare and don’t want a timeshare.” The caller said, “Robert, our records show that you DO have a timeshare. I can’t help you if you can’t admit that you have one!”

Several days later, I received the same call, different person, about “My Timeshare.”  When the caller
said, “We are having a meeting on Thursday evening at seven,” I said, “Will there be food?” When the caller said, “Yes, there will be food,”   I enthusiastically responded, “OK, Put me down for the meeting.” I received daily followup calls reminding me of the meeting and confirmation that my wife would also be attending and I confirmed “there will be food.”  At 6:45 on Thursday, I reminded my wife of the timeshare meeting, and she declined to go with me in spite of the prospect of “free food.”  I drove over to the local Holiday Inn Express, walked in to the empty lobby and said to the clerk behind the counter, “I’m here for the meeting.”  She sent me down the hall to the left where a well-dressed young man said, “Are you here for the timeshare meeting?”  I replied in the affirmative and was led to a meeting room containing about a dozen tablecloth covered tables. One table had a couple seated across from another young man with a big presentation book and a laptop. There was a gaggle of similarly dressed young men at the back of the room, waiting for more timeshare arrivals, I assumed.   I said, “Where’s the food? They said there would be food.” The young man responded, “There will be
food later, but we need to talk first…. Where is Mrs. Miller?”  I explained that we only live about five minutes away and that she would come over if this event seems productive.  We sat at a table, and the young man opened his electronic tablet.  “Mr. Miller, tell me about your timeshare.” “Well...,” I said,  “I don’t actually have a timeshare.” “If you don’t have a timeshare, why are you here, Mr. Miller?” he asked.  

“ I was hoping that you could tell me about my timeshare,” I responded.  “Every few days I get these calls from you folks about ‘my timeshare,’ but I don’t have a timeshare, never had a timeshare and don’t want a timeshare. The last guy who called, insisted that I do have a timeshare and rudely said that he couldn’t help me if I continued to deny that I even have a timeshare.  I’m here to find out why I continue to receive these calls about a timeshare that I don’t have…and for the free food.”

“Excuse me for a minute, I will be right back,” said my new timeshare friend. He disappeared into a small office behind the gaggle of eager young men at the back of the room, and I heard muffled conversation.  When he returned, he recited, “Mr. Miller, this meeting is for timeshare owners, and since you don’t have a timeshare, there is nothing I can do to help you.” “What about the phone calls?” I asked. “You should try telling them that you don’t
have a timeshare and to take you off their list,” he replied. “ I already tried that,” I said. “What about the free food?” He looked at me, dejected, “Well…we usually meet with the owners for about an hour about their timeshare, and then we have something to eat.   Since you don’t have a timeshare, you don’t qualify for the meeting or the food.”  “Well damn!” I said.

When I got home, my wife greeted me with a cheerful, “How was your meeting?”

“I’m still hungry!” I replied.