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It’s All about the Hair

John W. Pinkerton


Let's face it: it's all about the hair.

California Governor Newsom obviously is running for president in 2024.  He's the latest version of Governor Moonbeam (Jerry Brown)…but he's got a real shot at the presidency: he's got good hair: let's face it, great hair.

It's generally agreed that ex-President Trump had, frankly, bad hair.  The main objection to his hair was its color which is often characterized as orange.  I contend that he would still be president if his hair had been a nice shade of brown or salt and pepper or, hey, dignified white. 

How did he get elected with bad hair?  Simple: Hillary.

Back in the 70's, Joe Biden had hair plugs installed on his empty head.  At the time I laughed at him.  I didn't realize that eventually those hair plugs would make him president.

Our earliest presidents---Washington, Adams, Jefferson, Madison and Monroe---placed goat hair on their heads which pretty much leveled the playing field.  If one didn't wear goat hair on one's head, one might be mistaken for a nobody loser.  In their defense, it was the style in Europe at the time.

Today, because of television, anyone wishing to be president who is bald might as well run for dog catcher because being president ain't gonna happen.

Of course Eisenhower was bald.  He's just damned lucky that he had that WWII record on his resume, and…his opponent in both elections, Adlai Stevenson, was also bald---with a combover.

I think the 1956 TV debate can prove my point about good hair versus bad hair.  Nixon's wavy locks were no match for Kennedy's finely coifed hair on television.  Kennedy won the television debate, but Nixon won the radio debate---no hair involved.

Kennedy may have the best hair, but for longevity, the vote goes to Reagan.  His hairline didn't change from birth to death.  Both men were popular two- term presidents.

Okay, I did a little study, and almost everyone agrees that Martin Van Buren absolutely is the winner in the Presidential Bad Hair Contest (Scan the internet for photos if you dare.).  He was known to his friends as the “Little Magician.”  Being that he got that hair into the White House, I must agree that he was accurately labeled.

At the age of thirteen, I realized that I had little to no chance of becoming President of the United States---bad hair.  My hairline was receding faster than an old man's gums.  I adjusted.