Kids Say the Darndest Things Bill Tune bctune@gmail.com Ah, the innocence of youth! To see the world through the eyes of a child is a sometimes profound and often humorous experience. It is all too easy to forget what life was like before we became burdened with so much knowledge. I believe Art Linkletter was the first to capitalize on the entertainment value of the uncensored comments of children. Bill Cosby later reprised the idea with his own TV show, but we are hardly dependent on media because these stories are everywhere. We all have our own. Here are a few of mine. [Note: Every story herein contained happened to me, someone I know, or someone who knows someone I know. I think.] When my son Thomas got a new watch as a kid, he became obsessed with time. While making the long trip from Austin to home, he started pestering me for a time when we would complete our journey. After ignoring the first few requests, I pulled a random number out of the air and told him it would be another 10 minutes, even though I had little faith in the accuracy of my own statement. I hoped that would be enough to satisfy him until we finally got home, but 9 ½ minutes later came this announcement from the back seat: “In 30 seconds you will be wrong!” My wife’s first teaching job was in a Catholic school, and in addition to teaching History, she also had charge of a boys’ P.E. class. One day when a student fell and sprained his ankle, Beverly dutifully inspected the injury while the rest of the class looked on. Suddenly an eager voice broke through the air of concern with, “Mrs. Tune, do you want me to run over to Safeway and get some Cream of Jesus?” When she asked him to repeat his curious request, he added, “You know, like Ben Gay.” Ah, the analgesic cream! Good Catholic! My Mother-in-Law Bobbie used to sit with a couple of young girls during church while their parents sang in the choir. During the Ash Wednesday service, it was customary in this church for the pastor to form a cross on each person’s forehead using ashes. Sometimes small children are included in this ritual, and sometimes not. This particular time, the young girls were excluded and towards the end of the service the youngest one started crying. Bobbie tried to comfort her and figure out what was wrong, but the child was inconsolable. Finally, the young girl gave her tearful explanation: “I want a tattoo, too!” One problem of the young is trying to understand the world as presented by adults based on limited personal experience. The resulting misunderstandings are often more the fault of the adult than the inexperienced youth. As a young band director early in my career, I also had the privilege of teaching elementary music in my small school. One holiday season my fifth grade class was learning a Hanukkah song when I realized that these country kids had no concept what a Jew was. I decided to enlighten them. I tried to keep it simple, starting with the story of Abraham from the Bible, a brief history of the Israelites journey from slavery to the Promised Land, up to the birth of Jesus, the most famous Jew. I also mentioned that there were still many Jews today living as close as Austin (40 miles away). By this time I was proud, but humble, to have broadened their little horizons when Jeff raised his hand with a very puzzled look on his face. “You mean Abraham Lincoln was a Jew??!” I recently taught a junior high Sunday school class where we discussed religious symbols. The official symbol of the United Methodist Church is the Cross & Flame. While the “flame” on the symbol is a somewhat artistic rendition of fire, I always assumed the images on the icon were obvious. Not so. When we got around to the UMC symbol, one of my brighter students couldn’t at first remember what it was, but then blurted out, “Oh, you mean the cross with a scarf on it?” Speaking of church, the Children’s Sermon is one of the most fertile environments for those “darned” kids’ comments. The pastor (or sometimes a volunteer) calls all the kiddies down to the front of the sanctuary where they are taught a brief lesson, frequently involving child participation through questioning (ala Art Linkletter or Bill Cosby). Some kids have learned to answer every question with “God” or “Jesus”. This technique only works 75% of the time. Today I watched from the choir loft as a young father placed his head in his hands in exasperation. Why? The kids were given a list of options to choose from in a scenario where a parent had denied the request to purchase colored markers at the store. His daughter voted to steal the markers. When we moved to Caldwell in 1983, Thomas was almost four. Our new house had no fenced-in yard, so I made the unpopular decision to give away our dog, Muffin, before the move. Weeks later Thomas was among the kiddies at the front of the sanctuary when the pastor asked them, “Do you have a pet?” Thomas spoke up and said, “My Daddy…”. He hesitated and everyone laughed. Of course, as amusing as it was to sound like Thomas thought of me as his pet, I knew that he was trying to tell the story of how his Daddy had given away his puppy. Maybe I caught a break on that one. The funniest Children’s Sermon happening that I have ever heard is one I cannot document, but I am certain that it probably actually happened: The pastor, in an effort to expand the religious vocabulary of his innocents, asked, “Who knows what a ‘resurrection’ is?” That seemed like a pretty safe question, until the first comment was, “If it lasts more than four hours you have to call a doctor!” Kids say the darndest things! enough

Kids Say the Darndest Things

Ah, the innocence of youth! To see the world through the eyes of a child is a sometimes profound and often humorous experience. It is all too easy to forget what life was like before we became burdened with so much knowledge. I believe Art Linkletter was the first to capitalize on the entertainment value of the uncensored comments of children. Bill Cosby later reprised the idea with his own TV show, but we are hardly dependent on media because these stories are everywhere. We all have our own. Here are a few of mine. [Note: Every story herein contained happened to me, someone I know, or someone who knows someone I know. I think.]

When my son Thomas got a new watch as a kid, he became obsessed with time. While making the long trip from Austin to home, he started pestering me for a time when we would complete our journey. After ignoring the first few requests, I pulled a random number out of the air and told him it would be another 10 minutes, even though I had little faith in the accuracy of my own statement. I hoped that would be enough to satisfy him until we finally got home, but 9 ½ minutes later came this announcement from the back seat: “In 30 seconds you will be wrong!”

My wife’s first teaching job was in a Catholic school, and in addition to teaching History, she also had charge of a boys’ P.E. class. One day when a student fell and sprained his ankle, Beverly dutifully inspected the injury while the rest of the class looked on. Suddenly an eager voice broke through the air of concern with, “Mrs. Tune, do you want me to run over to Safeway and get some Cream of Jesus?” When she asked him to repeat his curious request, he added, “You know, like Ben Gay.” Ah, the analgesic cream! Good Catholic!

My Mother-in-Law Bobbie used to sit with a couple of young girls during church while their parents sang in the choir. During the Ash Wednesday service, it was customary in this church for the pastor to form a cross on each person’s forehead using ashes. Sometimes small children are included in this ritual, and sometimes not. This particular time, the young girls were excluded and towards the end of the service the youngest one started crying. Bobbie tried to comfort her and figure out what was wrong, but the child was inconsolable. Finally, the young girl gave her tearful explanation: “I want a tattoo, too!”

One problem of the young is trying to understand the world as presented by adults based on limited personal experience. The resulting misunderstandings are often more the fault of the adult than the inexperienced youth. As a young band director early in my career, I also had the privilege of teaching elementary music in my small school. One holiday season my fifth grade class was learning a Hanukkah song when I realized that these country kids had no concept what a Jew was. I decided to enlighten them. I tried to keep it simple, starting with the story of Abraham from the Bible, a brief history of the Israelites journey from slavery to the Promised Land, up to the birth of Jesus, the most famous Jew. I also mentioned that there were still many Jews today living as close as Austin (40 miles away). By this time I was proud, but humble, to have broadened their little horizons when Jeff raised his hand with a very puzzled look on his face. “You mean Abraham Lincoln was a Jew??!”

I recently taught a junior high Sunday school class where we discussed religious symbols. The official symbol of the United Methodist Church is the Cross & Flame. While the “flame” on the symbol is a somewhat artistic rendition of fire, I always assumed the images on the icon were obvious. Not so. When we got around to the UMC symbol, one of my brighter students couldn’t at first remember what it was, but then blurted out, “Oh, you mean the cross with a scarf on it?”

Speaking of church, the Children’s Sermon is one of the most fertile environments for those “darned” kids’ comments. The pastor (or sometimes a volunteer) calls all the kiddies down to the front of the sanctuary where they are taught a brief lesson, frequently involving child participation through questioning (ala Art Linkletter or Bill Cosby). Some kids have learned to answer every question with “God” or “Jesus”. This technique only works 75% of the time.

Today I watched from the choir loft as a young father placed his head in his hands in exasperation. Why? The kids were given a list of options to choose from in a scenario where a parent had denied the request to purchase colored markers at the store. His daughter voted to steal the markers.

When we moved to Caldwell in 1983, Thomas was almost four. Our new house had no fenced-in yard, so I made the unpopular decision to give away our dog, Muffin, before the move. Weeks later Thomas was among the kiddies at the front of the sanctuary when the pastor asked them, “Do you have a pet?” Thomas spoke up and said, “My Daddy…”. He hesitated and everyone laughed. Of course, as amusing as it was to sound like Thomas thought of me as his pet, I knew that he was trying to tell the story of how his Daddy had given away his puppy. Maybe I caught a break on that one.

The funniest Children’s Sermon happening that I have ever heard is one I cannot document, but I am certain that it probably actually happened:

The pastor, in an effort to expand the religious vocabulary of his innocents, asked, “Who knows what a ‘resurrection’ is?” That seemed like a pretty safe question, until the first comment was, “If it lasts more than four hours you have to call a doctor!”

Kids say the darndest things!

enough

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