The Accidental Cowboy
Dad, my brother Rex, and I were going out to West Texas to visit my youngest sister K. Dawn and her husband, Randy. They had not been married very long and neither Rex nor I had met Randy. We just knew he was a cowboy who had recently been promoted to foreman of the “U up U down” ranch in the Davis Mountains.
I am two years older than Rex and nine years older than K. Dawn. Because she was so young when we went off to college she saw us as these god-like figures who could do anything. While I considered myself an alright guy and fairly skilled at a number of things, I was hardly a god, nor was Rex.
K. Dawn had told my dad that Randy needed our help in rounding up some cattle. This was a little disconcerting to me because, although Rex and I could ride horses, we had nowhere near the skill it would take to round up cows. I could walk, trot and cantor on a horse, make it back up and turn, and that was about it. I had no reason to believe Rex was any more skilled than me. Not to worry, I would just explain it to Randy when we got there.
On the ride from San Antonio to Fort Davis, about 400 miles, I was sprawled out in the back seat reading while Rex and Dad sat in the front seat talking. Actually Rex was talking and Dad was listening. Rex is not normal; in fact he is quite strange. This is not a bad thing.
You see Rex is a genius and everyone knows that now, but when we were kids a number of people thought he wasn’t all that bright. He was poor at communicating his thoughts and views, which at times could be problematic. Much of the time I was his translator; and thank God I was very good at it.
Let me give you an example of what I mean. Our dad was in the Air Force so our family, all eight of us, moved around a lot. About every three years Dad would be stationed somewhere else, always in a different state or country.
Well, whenever we moved to a new place we were the “new kids” and so needed to be tested by the locals, which meant we got into fights; at least the three boys did. That was OK, but I always tried to fix it so that when this would happen we had at least an even chance. Rex, living in a completely different world, didn’t much care or pay attention to such mundane things.
His problem with communication was that he was completely literal in what he said. He did not seem to know or care that the meaning of different words were not black or white but had a lot of subtle differences from similar words.
So at this particular time we were getting introduced to some boys, three of them versus Rex and me. Currently we were on friendly terms and one of them was explaining some phenomenon of nature to us. Lord knows what it was. Some 50 odd years later I surely don’t remember.
Anyway the boy was wrong and I was getting ready to say something diplomatic such as, “So what you are really saying…” and then I would say the correct factoid. But before I could do that, Rex said, “That’s a lie!” Remember, there were three of them and two of us.
Now why would Rex say that? Because he was taught that an untruth was a lie. What this other boy said was not correct, therefore an untruth, which was a lie. Now if you were to say to Rex the untruth has to be intentionally said, he would have responded, “He did not say it by accident so therefore it was intentional.” His logic was flawless as far as it went so he was correct, end of conversation.
You see, when Rex said, “That’s a lie!” in his mind he was saying, “Actually you have your facts wrong.”
Well, as I stated previously, I was a really good translator and convinced the three boys that he was just peculiar in his speech and no insult was intended. He was just challenging the facts. Anyway that was Rex then. Now he is an excellent communicator and doesn’t need me for anything, except being his older brother and a good friend.
As I said, Rex is a genius; he has a bachelor’s degree in Physics, a master’s degree in Nuclear Engineering and was working in artificial intelligence at the time. He was also a certified submarine captain. This had to do with some government program which was top secret. Now that he is retired, he is studying archaeology, more specifically ancient Native Americans of the West.
But I have digressed, so back to the trip. Rex was explaining to Dad about artificial intelligence, black holes and the relationship between Taoism, Buddhism and Christianity. I am not sure if the black holes weren’t also included in the three spiritual dogmas. Dad had this grin on his face the whole time which meant, “I don’t have a clue what you are talking about but I will act like I do because you look so happy!”
Anyway after about six hours, we arrived at the ranch.
My sister gave us a hug and we met Randy. I liked him immediately. Randy is shorter than I am but he had a solid muscular build; as compared to Rex and me who were more lanky. Randy also sported a large handlebar mustache that would make any man proud.
Then there was his attire. He dressed just like the other West Texas Cowboys dressed and that wasn’t like they did on TV or in the movies. He wore a 10 gallon hat without a crease in the crown and cowboy boots that went almost up to his knees with his pants tucked inside of them. Lastly he had on a vest. I thought his attire was strange looking, but soon found out that that was how all of the cowboys in the area dressed. Apparently they thought I dressed funny because, behind my back, they snickered at my campaign hat.
Randy said he was glad we could make it and appreciated us volunteering to help round up the bulls.
“Wait, wait, what did he say? Bulls? Bulls!” I didn’t even want to round up cows; I damn sure didn’t want to round up a bunch of bulls.
So I said “You keep your bulls separated from the cows? Don’t seem like you will get many calves that way.”
Randy just laughed and said “We keep them separated till this time of year. Then we round the bulls up and take them to the different pastures where the cows are. That way the cows will all be dropping the calves at about the same time.”
Let me take a time out to tell you a little bit about the ranch. This Ranch is in the middle of the Davis Mountains which are real mountains. When you are up in them you see the same flora and fauna that you would see in Colorado or New Mexico.
The Ranch had 75 sections. A section is 640 acres so that comes out to almost 48,000 acres. This is considered average sized in that part of the country.
The Cows were spread out in different canyons and pastures, and the bulls were all in a trap. Traps are smaller than pastures; this particular one with the bulls was only about one thousand acres. The cows that Randy had on the ranch were, for the most part, Herefords, as were the bulls.
Well how many bulls did we have to round up? I figured maybe at the most it would be twenty, but that still was a lot of bulls. So I asked Randy “How many bulls are there?” and he said “73 Hereford bulls and 7 Longhorns.”
I thought “Eighty bulls, damn that’s a lot, and Longhorns included? No, not Longhorns! I had read that they had been known to attack cowboys on horseback!”
So I said to Randy “Why Longhorns? Isn’t their meat tougher?”
He said “Yep, but hybrid crosses should be fine and the calves should be smaller when they drop. That should be easier on the heifers giving birth for the first time. The calves should be hardier and should grow faster, thereby catching up to the Herefords in no time. So we are going to try the Longhorn bulls to see how they work out.”
Now I did not have any desire to die and felt the best way to keep that from happening was to make sure Rex and I didn’t help in the roundup. So after everyone got settled and had a few beers, I got Randy to the side and told him I would like to talk about the roundup.
“Randy, how bad do you need us?”
Randy said, “I don’t really need you because there will be about 10 of us from around here, but K. Dawn said you really wanted to do this and both you and Rex are excellent horsemen.”
“Randy, we are not excellent horsemen; we know nothing about cowboying and we probably would just get in the way.”
Randy responded, “Well, to be honest I would feel more comfortable if you two didn’t come along. But I didn’t want to get K. Dawn in a tizzy.”
Now, you see why I liked Randy? Truly a brilliant man! So I told him, “OK, no problem. I will handle K. Dawn and Rex won’t be a problem because he is probably thinking about alternative universes and would just as soon continue doing that.”
Randy said “Great, I will go up to the bunk house and start to call the boys for confirmation about tomorrow.”
“And I will go explain to K. Dawn, Rex and Dad that we are not needed and this means we can spend more time visiting tomorrow. I’ll go do that now and get me a beer. You want one?” He said yes, and off I went.
When I walked into the house Rex was explaining to Dad and K. Dawn about the space-time continuum and they both had grins on their faces the whole time that meant, “We don’t have a clue what you are talking about but we will act like we do because it makes you so happy!”
I interrupted them to catch everyone up on what was going on. I said “Randy has more than enough help and because a couple of the cowboys don’t have horse there won’t be enough for Rex and me.” Of course this was a lie, but hey! We were talking about my life here! I continued “Besides I think it will be great that all four of us just hang out together for the day.”
I then grabbed a couple of beers and headed to the bunkhouse. As I got there I heard Randy say, “I understand, yes it was unexpected and you have no choice, next time.”
I said, “What is going on?” and he replied, “I’ve called two so far and they will not be able to make it.”
Now I was getting a little nervous, so I asked Randy, “How many do you need” and he replied, “At a minimum 5.”
We knew that there were three for sure. Randy, his best friend Roland, and a college kid who just showed up awhile back and said he wanted to learn to cowboy. Randy told me he wasn’t learning very quickly.
Well, there were now 5 people to call and only two needed. Randy, told me, “Nothing to worry about; they all said they were on board, and out here when you say you are going to do something, you do it.”
Except maybe this time?
So Randy made the next call. “Really, damn that’s just rotten luck! No you got to do what you got to do.”
I said, “Randy, I need another beer. You want one?” and he responds, “Yea, I think I might need another one too.” Well, by the time I got back he said, “Mick, I think I may need both you and Rex on the roundup.”
I’m dead! I knew I had to die sometime but did it have to be now? All I could see was a vision of seven Longhorns seeing how far into the ground they could grind my body. However, I put on a brave face and said, “No problem.”
When we got back to the house I interrupted Rex, who was explaining how Taoism was both a philosophy and a religion depending on the people who practiced it. I informed everybody about the good news. Rex and I were going to help after all.
A little later Rex and I went up to the bunkhouse to sleep. I got very little sleep because the Longhorns kept appearing in my dreams, laughing as they squished me.
We got up bright and early the next morning (still dark outside) and headed down to the house for breakfast. Roland and the boy were already there so the crew was now complete.
The boy looked fine, but Roland, not so much. He was a great cowboy, but also a great drinker and had one hell of a hangover. After breakfast we went out to get the horses.
I reminded Randy that Rex and I probably needed the most gentle of the horses, and he said, “You two are getting two great cowponies. They have great cow sense, but they are getting up there in age and are as gentle as we got.” “Thank God,” think I.
Rex and Dad are in great spirits with huge smiles on their faces. Don’t they have any idea that we are heading into possible great bodily harm or even death?
Well it was a very crisp morning. So much so that all the horses had condensation coming out of their noses which made them look, to me, like dragons.
As the sun began to come up, the boy mounted his horse first and was immediately off again as the horse bucked, kicked and ran off. The boy, who was now on the ground with his legs sticking in the air, was using language that would certainly not be proper around women or children. I was thinking, “I am surely going to die!”
Randy seemed totally unconcerned and told the boy, “Get off your ass and go get the horse.”
Now it was Roland’s turn. Roland brought his own horse which was one of the best cow horses in the area, very frisky and liked to give Roland a hard time. Roland mounted, the horse bucked, kicked, and Roland went up and then came down on the saddle horn, fell off the horse while cussing and grabbing his family jewels.
His horse just looked at him and snorted as if he were saying, “When are you going to learn not to get drunk the night before a roundup, dumbass?” In that part of the country a good horse could say anything he wanted to his rider.
Randy asked Roland if he was OK and did he think he would be able to ride? Roland moaned, “I think so.” He then started talking to the horse in a language that seemed to be made up of every cuss word in the world.
By now I was writing my obituary in my mind as Rex got ready to mount. I looked at Dad and I think for the first time he was concerned. Rex mounted, and this very gentle horse heads for a mountain peak in the distance, at world record speed. Bye, bye Rex.
So Randy, who still seemed totally unconcerned looked at me and said, “It’s your turn.” Bravery and cowardice are strange phenomena and at times can be confused for each other. If I were a brave man I would have said, “I think I’ll sit this one out.” Being the coward that I was, and not wanting to look bad, I began to mount up.
I did have a plan though.
I was in my early 30’s at the time and was still in good shape. I owned a gymnastic school so I spent much of my time spotting the kids while they were working on their skills. I also lifted weights and ran. My upper body strength for my weight was excellent. My plan was to mount the horse, grab the saddle horn and yank the horse’s head into my left knee using all my strength to stay on the horse as he did his thing, whatever that may be.
That’s what I did, and the horse spun in a circle a number of times, then stopped. It worked and I was alive! But maybe not for long---there were still the Longhorns.
Randy mounted. His horse bucked and kicked, but no problem for Randy. We looked up and Rex was coming back toward us, so all was well. Rex said he made the horse run on purpose to get the excess energy out of him, but to this day I have my doubts. The boy had finally mounted his horse and Roland too, so we were ready to go into the trap and get the bulls.
Ok, I had survived mounting the horse, but that never really scared me until I saw the others attempting to do it. It had always been about the bulls and particularly the damn Longhorns. As we went into the trap, the three cowboys were ahead of Rex and me, so I said to Rex, “Aren’t you a little worried about rounding up these bulls?” Rex responds, “No, if this were dangerous they wouldn’t let us do it.”
God help us all, this is a genius?
Well, we began riding to the top of the first hill, and when we got there, we could see at least 500 acres before us and not a bull in sight. Hopefully, I wondered if they might not have escaped.
The trap consisted of several rolling hills as it headed toward some peaks, so the bulls could be anywhere. Randy told Roland and me to head toward the southeast corner and see what we could find. Rex, the boy and Randy would head toward the southwest corner.
Sounded good to me. I would just stay with Roland and let him do all the work. If we came up on the Longhorns, I would make sure Roland was between them and me.
We climbed another hill, and when we got to the top, Roland said we should split up.
I suggested that it would be better if we were to stay together because we might come up on the whole herd, but he said, “Nope, too much ground to cover. We will see more if we split. I will head more to the west, and you continue on to the east.”
So now I was all alone in a mountainous country on a wild horse looking for bulls. At about this time, I rediscovered religion. “Oh dear God, please don’t let me find the Longhorns.” The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the odds were against me finding them. They made up only about 9% of the herd, so the odds were good I would not come upon them.
Also I figured God loved me, and surely he did not want me to die just yet.
So feeling much better, I smiled and looked up. The smile froze on my face. There they were, the damn Longhorns, all 7 of them, straight in front of me and staring at me!
So God doesn’t love me, and I am going to die, and I forgot to give my obituary to K. Dawn.
Ok, what should I do? First things first. “Ok God, were you just testing me? You will help me get through this, right?” No answer. “Well, I got faith!”
Under the circumstances I only had one choice and that was to try to get the bulls moving. I made a large circle around and behind them and then started to head directly at them. This was it: they either were going to attack and kill me or move away. And thank God, they started to move away! So that was that. I kept moving toward them, a little to the left or a little to the right to keep them going straight.
They moved to the top of a hill. I was up there a short time later. When I got there, what a grand sight did I behold!
Over to my right was Roland, a yipping and a hollering as he was moving around twenty head toward the gate. On top of another hill to my left and in front of me, were the rest of the bulls with Randy, the boy and Rex yipping and hollering. And all the bulls were getting ready to merge, and we were driving them to the gate in the corner where we entered, and I heard myself a yipping and a hollering and, and…the world was wonderful!!
Well, we got all the bulls in the corner. I looked at Rex, and he had a grin from one ear to the next. I felt the exact same grin on my face. All was good.
And then I heard Randy a cussing. He told the boy to open the damn gate so we could get the bulls across the road and into the loading area before anything happened, but the boy couldn’t get it open.
What would happen? I was confused!
Then Randy drove his horse straight through the bulls, jumped off still cussing and started to open the gate.
Before he could get it open, I saw one bull mount another. And then all hell broke loose. Bulls started running every which way including out toward where we had just come from. Randy yelled at us to try to keep them together.
Now this was a problem. The boy and Randy were off their horses and that left only the three of us. The three of us would be one really good cowboy with a hangover, and two greenhorns up against 80 bulls. But by damn, we were going to try!
I immediately had a problem with my horse. I wanted to go left, and he would try to go right; I wanted to go right, and he would try to go left. Meanwhile the bulls were getting past us.
I’m thinking, “This is a good cow horse?” And then it dawned on me. This is the first time I had ever tried this; the horse, on the other hand, had done it many times. Maybe I should listen to him.
So I sat in the saddle and let him have his head, and away we went! He turned, he spun, left, right, back, forward, with head down going right at the bulls. Every time he moved he was in front of a different bull, and he would make it turn back! All I had to do was stay in the saddle.
Randy got the gate open; the boy was on the road to stop any cars that might come by, and we drove the bulls across and into the loading pens.
I rode up next to Rex and said, “You looked damn good. How did you know what to do?” He said “I figured the horse knew more than me, so I just gave him his head.” Maybe he was a genius after all!
The rest of the trip was uneventful but very enjoyable. We got to know and love our brother-in-law and visit with our dear wonderful little sister.
On the way home I started to read as Rex was explaining to Dad Einstein’s theory of relativity, and Dad had this grin on his face the whole time that meant “I don’t have a clue what you are talking about, but I will act like I do because you look so happy!”
enough