The Most Interesting Man/Email in the World! (Or…A Cautionary Tale) Bill Tune bctune@gmail.com I must be the most interesting man in the world, and I have the email address to prove it. Why else would so many desperate, humanitarian bank/corporations work so hard to make me so rich? According to my calculations, I stand to gain approximately 7.2 Gazillion dollars over the next few months, and all I have to do is return some emails. I've even heard from a Nigerian Prince! Before you get too excited (or start asking me for money), it's time for true confessions. I fell for an online scam that offered a $100 Walmart gift card in return for filling out some consumer surveys. I thought that sounded reasonable, so I proceeded with caution making sure I did not give out debit card info. Everything seemed straightforward until I reached the page where my only option was to select five different magazine subscriptions. At this point Captain Obvious threw his red flag, and I realized that this was a mistake. I had given an email and a mailing address, but no payment info, so I aborted the process, closed the web site, and hoped that no harm had been done. My naiveté was short-lived. Fortunately, the experience has cost me nothing more than some inconvenience. First, the magazines! I did not bother to select any magazines before attempting my escape from scamzilla, so “they” selected for me. For two years now I've been receiving magazines in which I have no interest. Forbes, Bloomberg, Outdoors Man, really? The good news is that I have paid nothing for them, and I happily toss their renewal notices in the trash. The other inconvenience caused by my indiscretion involved my email account, which has now been shared with the entire planet. I realize that I could mitigate this problem by changing my primary email address. However, I have moved four times in the past 13 years, and the first three moves required a new primary email address due to the change in ISP (Internet Service Provider). In 2008 I got a gmail account so that I would never have to change my primary email again, and to that pledge I stubbornly hold. It helps that most of my unwanted emails go to my Junk folder. Daily diligence allows me to keep my Junk folder empty. The few emails that I want to keep are transferred to my Inbox, and everything else is quickly deleted. Unfortunately, when someone “needs your help” to move large sums of money while rewarding you with many thousands of dollars, there is no “unsubscribe” option, so I delete, delete, delete, and then delete some more. I've been tempted to reply with stern requests for peace, or maybe with one of my witty responses: “I'd love to help, Marian. My name is Takmi Fora Phool , and I live at 123 Noway Jose Dr., CutNShoot, TX 00001.” Some email lists will remove you if you reply with “Unsubscribe” in the subject line, but I am hesitant to acknowledge these emails in any way. My fear is that any reply would send up a flag to scammers everywhere saying, “Hey, Punjab! We got a live one here!!!!” The very fact that the server isn't rejecting my emails may be doing the same thing. <Insert sad face> So while I try to outlast the insipid would-be benefactors, I occasionally amuse myself by reading some of their emails. An interesting variety of techniques are used, several nations represented, and a lot of poor translating. I'm really surprised that anyone would respond to one of these emails, but due to the tremendous volume on my account alone, it must be working somewhere. In fact, I decided to write this essay less than 3 weeks ago and stopped deleting all junk emails in order to gather some examples. I continued to delete the non-scam emails, and thanks to this heavy editing, I only have 165 emails at this writing, each one of which promises to make me a rich man. Needless to say, I can only share a very small portion of what I've saved over these three weeks. Notice on the included example that the recipients' names are not visible. This email probably went to hundreds of email addresses, and yet it names each of these recipients as “the sole beneficiary” of $3.5m USD. All they want is $50 - and your banking info. [I just got another “offer” - #166.] All of these scams either hide the list of recipients or address them to “undisclosed recipients”. While each of these scams appeals to our basic greed, they also mix in an interesting blend of additional motivators. Sometimes I am informed that my email somehow qualified me to inherit a large sum of cash from some unfortunate man and his family who were killed by rabid pigmies (slight embellishment here). I got one from an alleged bank employee (in Nigeria, of course) who offered to reward me handsomely if I helped him “relieve” his bank of significant unclaimed funds, giving him and his family a chance at a new start in a different country. Many of these emails appear to have been written in a foreign language and then poorly translated into English using a computer program. I'm always touched by the woman dying of cancer, who wants to share her dead husband's wealth with a few “good Christian” people. Then there's the orphaned teenager looking for a responsible adult to help manage her very wealthy family's estate. Numerous lottery winners wanting to share the wealth have also selected my email - after “careful research”. [Junk Folder count: 169] For some reason these people usually live in Great Britain. In fact, several barristers from England have requested my help on behalf of their clients. (Why don't they call them “lawyers” like we do?) Speaking of countries, my solicitations have come from Nigeria (#1 answer!), Great Britain / England, South Africa, Ghana, Republic of Benin (I need to look that one up), Philippines, and Dubai. I've won prizes from Google, BMW (UK), Coke, Apple, Microsoft, Bank of America, BMW (Arkansas), and there are several ATM cards worth millions of dollars being delivered by Western Union, FedEx, and DHL with my name on them! I'm changing my name to “Undisclosed Recipients”, just to be safe. [Junk Mail folder count: 172] I've gotten emails from Brigadier Generals, Reverends, United Nations officials, and FBI agents, with time always a critical factor. If not ordered to respond immediately, I was instructed to respond within 72 hours. One scary email from an FBI agent even threatened legal charges against me (for cooperating with scammers - see next paragraph) if the 72-hour window was missed! (So far, no warrants for my arrest that I'm aware of.) [Junk Mail count: 177] One of the more popular gimmicks of late has an interesting twist: the scam is addressed to alleged victims of scams! Senders of these scammails detail their efforts to identify and apprehend scamming offenders. They promise significant compensation, or they assure you that they will help you collect your money (that never existed in the first place). Their implied motto is: Trust us. Everyone else you've dealt with is a crook. Here is a portion of one of those emails. Count the number of sentences in this paragraph: [Junk Mail count: 182] After proper and several investigations and research at Western Union and MoneyGram Office, we found your name in Western Union database amongst those that have sent money through Western Union to Nigeria and this proves that you have truly been swindled by those unscrupulous persons by sending money to them through Western Union/MoneyGram in the course of getting one fund or the other that is not real, right now we are working hand in hand with Western Union to track every fraudsters down, do not respond to their e-mails, letters and phone calls any longer as they are scammers and you should be very careful to avoid being a victim to fraudsters any longer because they have nothing to offer you but to rip-off what you have worked earnestly hard to earn. I dare anyone to diagram that sentence! One of the more novel approaches came from an alleged soldier who served in the Iraq War. His claim was that he and his buddies had made off with significant treasures from Saddam Hussein's palace, and with my help he could retrieve them and share the spoils with me! One thing you can count on: If your email says, “This is not a scam.” It is. I have one more confession. I never actually heard from the Nigerian Prince, but I'm still hoping! I've got to go clean out my Junk Mail folder

The Most Interesting Man/Email in the World!

(Or…A Cautionary Tale)

I must be the most interesting man in the world, and I have the email address to prove it. Why else would so many desperate, humanitarian bank/corporations work so hard to make me so rich? According to my calculations, I stand to gain approximately 7.2 Gazillion dollars over the next few months, and all I have to do is return some emails. I've even heard from a Nigerian Prince!

Before you get too excited (or start asking me for money), it's time for true confessions. I fell for an online scam that offered a $100 Walmart gift card in return for filling out some consumer surveys. I thought that sounded reasonable, so I proceeded with caution making sure I did not give out debit card info. Everything seemed straightforward until I reached the page where my only option was to select five different magazine subscriptions. At this point Captain Obvious threw his red flag, and I realized that this was a mistake. I had given an email and a mailing address, but no payment info, so I aborted the process, closed the web site, and hoped that no harm had been done. My naiveté was short-lived. Fortunately, the experience has cost me nothing more than some inconvenience.

First, the magazines! I did not bother to select any magazines before attempting my escape from scamzilla, so “they” selected for me. For two years now I've been receiving magazines in which I have no interest. Forbes, Bloomberg, Outdoors Man, really? The good news is that I have paid nothing for them, and I happily toss their renewal notices in the trash.

The other inconvenience caused by my indiscretion involved my email account, which has now been shared with the entire planet. I realize that I could mitigate this problem by changing my primary email address. However, I have moved four times in the past 13 years, and the first three moves required a new primary email address due to the change in ISP (Internet Service Provider). In 2008 I got a gmail account so that I would never have to change my primary email again, and to that pledge I stubbornly hold.

It helps that most of my unwanted emails go to my Junk folder. Daily diligence allows me to keep my Junk folder empty. The few emails that I want to keep are transferred to my Inbox, and everything else is quickly deleted.

Unfortunately, when someone “needs your help” to move large sums of money while rewarding you with many thousands of dollars, there is no “unsubscribe” option, so I delete, delete, delete, and then delete some more. I've been tempted to reply with stern requests for peace, or maybe with one of my witty responses: “I'd love to help, Marian. My name is Takmi Fora Phool , and I live at 123 Noway Jose Dr., CutNShoot, TX 00001.”

Some email lists will remove you if you reply with “Unsubscribe” in the subject line, but I am hesitant to acknowledge these emails in any way. My fear is that any reply would send up a flag to scammers everywhere saying, “Hey, Punjab! We got a live one here!!!!” The very fact that the server isn't rejecting my emails may be doing the same thing. <Insert sad face>

So while I try to outlast the insipid would-be benefactors, I occasionally amuse myself by reading some of their emails. An interesting variety of techniques are used, several nations represented, and a lot of poor translating. I'm really surprised that anyone would respond to one of these emails, but due to the tremendous volume on my account alone, it must be working somewhere. In fact, I decided to write this essay less than 3 weeks ago and stopped deleting all junk emails in order to gather some examples. I continued to delete the non-scam emails, and thanks to this heavy editing, I only have 165 emails at this writing, each one of which promises to make me a rich man. Needless to say, I can only share a very small portion of what I've saved over these three weeks.

Notice on the included example that the recipients' names are not visible.

This email probably went to hundreds of email addresses, and yet it names each of these recipients as “the sole beneficiary” of $3.5m USD. All they want is $50 - and your banking info. [I just got another “offer” - #166.] All of these scams either hide the list of recipients or address them to “undisclosed recipients”.

While each of these scams appeals to our basic greed, they also mix in an interesting blend of additional motivators. Sometimes I am informed that my email somehow qualified me to inherit a large sum of cash from some unfortunate man and his family who were killed by rabid pigmies (slight embellishment here). I got one from an alleged bank employee (in Nigeria, of course) who offered to reward me handsomely if I helped him “relieve” his bank of significant unclaimed funds, giving him and his family a chance at a new start in a different country. Many of these emails appear to have been written in a foreign language and then poorly translated into English using a computer program.

I'm always touched by the woman dying of cancer, who wants to share her dead husband's wealth with a few “good Christian” people. Then there's the orphaned teenager looking for a responsible adult to help manage her very wealthy family's estate. Numerous lottery winners wanting to share the wealth have also selected my email - after “careful research”. [Junk Folder count: 169] For some reason these people usually live in Great Britain. In fact, several barristers from England have requested my help on behalf of their clients. (Why don't they call them “lawyers” like we do?)

Speaking of countries, my solicitations have come from Nigeria (#1 answer!), Great Britain / England, South Africa, Ghana, Republic of Benin (I need to look that one up), Philippines, and Dubai. I've won prizes from Google, BMW (UK), Coke, Apple, Microsoft, Bank of America, BMW (Arkansas), and there are several ATM cards worth millions of dollars being delivered by Western Union, FedEx, and DHL with my name on them! I'm changing my name to “Undisclosed Recipients”, just to be safe. [Junk Mail folder count: 172]

I've gotten emails from Brigadier Generals, Reverends, United Nations officials, and FBI agents, with time always a critical factor. If not ordered to respond immediately, I was instructed to respond within 72 hours. One scary email from an FBI agent even threatened legal charges against me (for cooperating with scammers - see next paragraph) if the 72-hour window was missed! (So far, no warrants for my arrest that I'm aware of.) [Junk Mail count: 177]

One of the more popular gimmicks of late has an interesting twist: the scam is addressed to alleged victims of scams! Senders of these scammails detail their efforts to identify and apprehend scamming offenders. They promise significant compensation, or they assure you that they will help you collect your money (that never existed in the first place). Their implied motto is: Trust us. Everyone else you've dealt with is a crook. Here is a portion of one of those emails. Count the number of sentences in this paragraph: [Junk Mail count: 182]

After proper and several investigations and research at Western Union and MoneyGram Office, we found your name in Western Union database amongst those that have sent money through Western Union to Nigeria and this proves that you have truly been swindled by those unscrupulous persons by sending money to them through Western Union/MoneyGram in the course of getting one fund or the other that is not real, right now we are working hand in hand with Western Union to track every fraudsters down, do not respond to their e-mails, letters and phone calls any longer as they are scammers and you should be very careful to avoid being a victim to fraudsters any longer because they have nothing to offer you but to rip-off what you have worked earnestly hard to earn.

I dare anyone to diagram that sentence!

One of the more novel approaches came from an alleged soldier who served in the Iraq War. His claim was that he and his buddies had made off with significant treasures from Saddam Hussein's palace, and with my help he could retrieve them and share the spoils with me!

One thing you can count on: If your email says, “This is not a scam.” It is.

I have one more confession. I never actually heard from the Nigerian Prince, but I'm still hoping! I've got to go clean out my Junk Mail folder - all 186 email.

;-)

enough

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